Friday, July 2, 2021

Funny Vintage Ads (54)

 

 Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.

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False Teeth by Mail
No need to visit the dentist for fittings. You can trust that dentures by mail will fit perfectly.
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Sip 'n Strip Fantasy Glasses
"You sip...they strip!"
Sip 'n Strip Fantasy Glasses were sold by Spencer Gifts in the 1980s.
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Electropathic Abdominal Battery Belt
The Electropathic Abdominal Battery Belt
consisted of a series of copper and zinc discs linked by copper wire and fastened into a tight-fitting belt. There was no battery, but when placed next to the skin, the patient’s sweat was “sufficient to excite a mild continuous current.
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Zenith Space Command
Zenith's second attempt at a wireless remote control, the Space Command used high-frequency sound to control their TV, spawning a new generation of couch potatoes and control freaks.
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Swiftning's Here's to you cake
Nothing says "Here's to You" like a cake decorated with plastic shot glasses containing fruit punch.
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APC the new TV
Wait, how does Automatic Picture Control equate to shoving a woman in your face?
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Operation Orbit
Operation Orbit, made by Transogram in the early 1960s looks like a "console" toy but it was actually a game of skill. You had to land a little rocket on one of the rotating planets.
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Dymaxion
The Dymaxion was a revolutionary design that could transport 11 passengers, reach speeds of up to 90 miles per hour, and got 30 miles to the gallon. Three prototypes were made, but design flaws kept it out of production.
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Dr. H. Sanche's Oxydonor Victory
The user was instructed to place the metal tube or “Vocor” in a jar of ice water and then attach the the contact disk to the ankle. The colder the water the better the cure.
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Petty Girl High Ball Glasses
Pin-up artist George Petty (1894-1975) frequently depicted women with their legs longer and their heads smaller than reality -- that said something about his priorities.
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Listerine - How could I forget her?
"Helen was the kind of girl you couldn't easily forget..."
 because her breath could knock a buzzard off of a dung wagon!
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Dainty-Form Reducing Cream
Reducing creams that required "No Dieting" "No Drugs!" and "No Exercising!" to lose weight were a staple of advertising in film fan magazines of the 1920s.
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Vaseline - So Pure You Can Eat It!
"So Pure You Can Eat It!" Not that you'd want to try.
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Free Samples - Sanitary Napkins
Yes friends, you too can sell personalized sanitary napkins door-to-door!
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Sex Searchlights and Sane Sex Ethics
The author of Sex Searchlights and Sane Sex Ethics, published in 1926 was a doctor who thought a photo of him in his WW1 uniform would make him seem more credible when talking about masturbation and other "Sex Secrets."
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The Erie Digger
The Erie Digger arcade game came out in the 1920s. Crain-type games were among the first to combine skill and chance.
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Edison Voicewriter Ediphone
This early dictation machine by Edison recorded on wax cylinders, just like his early phonograph.
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The Barker Vibrator
Providing "pelvic massages" were a routine part of most Victorian doctors work, but as accounts in contemporary medical journals attest, it was tedious, boring and physically demanding work. The first electric vibrators appeared in doctor's offices in the 1880s and a device designed for home use soon followed.
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Learn Electric Appliance Repair
...and your head will turn into an emoji.
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Time to Fuck
Cut to the chase and show her just how much of a loser you are. 
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Chlorine Kilacold Bomb
After chlorine gas was used successfully in World War One to kill soldiers, some Army Officers noticed that workers in plants manufacturing chlorine gas got fewer colds. They developed the Kilacold chlorine bomb, a teardrop-shaped glass ampoule containing 0.35g of chlorine gas that was promoted as a cure for colds and flu. 
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Wilson's Common Sense Ear Drums

 Despite the many testimonials from supposedly satisfied customers, it's hard to see how this device could restore hearing or relieve "head noises."
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Crane Plumbing
"Handsome off-the-floor closet has its tank in the wall, makes cleaning quick, easier."
Don't put wall-to-wall carpet in your bathroom or you'll never vacuum up the mold growing in the carpet underneath that toilet.
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Bell's Asbestos - It's Safer with Asbestos
Asbestos protected those who wore the fabrics made with asbestos, but many workers who mined and milled the mineral at Bell Asbestos Mines, and the workers who manufactured or used products made from Bell asbestos, later developed mesothelioma and sued for compensation.
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Can Single Girls Wear Tampons

The first cotton tampons were used in the 18th century to stop the bleeding from bullet wounds.
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Antiphlogistine Poultice
In the early 20th century, Antiphlogistine was one of the old remedies for boils, poison ivy and chest congestion, first used in 1893 and created by Denver Chemical of New York.
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Sugar sweetens dispositions
Replace "sugar" with "cocaine" and the ad still works.
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Can I, at my age, become a hotel executive
"Can I, at my age, become a hotel executive?"
No, not really.
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Edison Electric Scarf Pin
"The Greatest Novelty of the Age"
A light bulb in your lapel and a giant battery in your vest pocket.
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The Only Perfect Cycle Seat
"No pressure against sensitive parts."
Early bicycle seats were torture on men's prostates.

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