Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Funny Vintage Ads (30)

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.
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Fritos -- Keeds! Free Coloring Pencils
The Frito Bandito (voiced by Mel Blanc) was the cartoon mascot for Fritos corn chips beginning in 1967.  After the National Mexican-American Anti-Defamation Committee began complaining about the obnoxious stereotype, Frito-Lay tried to make the character a little less racist, but ultimately ended the ad campaign in 1971.
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Frankie Doodle Dandy
 Why put your Frankie Doodle Dandy on an English muffin?
And thrifty shoppers will surely appreciate that 7 cents off coupon.

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You be the Electronic Man
Yes friends, you too can be an "Electronic Man" made out of cardboard.
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 Farming with Dynamite
In the early 20th century, Du Pont released a series of pamphlets touting what it claimed to be the greatest agricultural innovation since the plow: dynamite.
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Knee Room Ironing Table
Imagine your wife's surprise when she finds this under the Christmas tree. She will surely appreciate your thoughtfulness; wanting her to be able to sit down while ironing your shirts.
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A-1 Sauce -- Conference Fag
In this context, "fag" means "worn-out, exhausted."
The history of the "F" word has its roots in English public boarding school traditions when younger boys (fags) were forced to perform menial domestic chores for older boys. Later it became slang for a cigarette.

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Asbestos
Asbestos use dates back to the Stone Age. It was widely used in building materials during the 20th century until the 1970s, when the death toll from asbestos-related diseases necessitated a ban. Today, most pre-1980s buildings are thought to contain at least some asbestos, and testing is required before any renovations are conducted that might disturb the material.
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Weltron 2001
A portable radio with an 8-track player,
"...styled with the look of tomorrow."
The first iPod was released in October 2001 and that, along with iTunes revolutionized the music industry.

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New Century Washer
“Dey am dun quick.”
Advertisements during the late Victorian era used mammy characters to promote household appliances, because no self-respecting white woman of means would ever do her own chores.

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Derby Tamales...filled with fine meat
Derby Tamales are "filled with fine meat" but they don't say what kind of meat.
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Post Grape Nuts keep you the same size
What is the most important lesson all mothers should teach their daughters? Always stay thin and pretty.
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Turns Out You Gals are Useful After All!
 Who knew?
During World War II (1941-45) women were encouraged to enter the work force to replace men, but after the war they were told they had to give up their jobs for returning servicemen.

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Spud -- Dawn-to-Dusk Smokers

Can't function without a cigarette in your mouth at all times?
With Spud Cigarettes, "Your mouth will taste clean as a whistle" while your lungs turn black.

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Monster Briefs in Color!
Monster Briefs -- for those males who haven't matured past the age of 12.
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Small Bust Women!
"No artificial bust buildup needed!"
Just a Special Patent Pending "bust molding feature."

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Linoleum - A happy relaxation
A little too colorful!
It would be hard to relax while surrounded by those busy patterns.

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United States Navy recruiting
Join the Navy and wrangle targets in your bare feet during target practice!
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Jolly Green Giant Rag Doll
 "Maybe this is just the fellow you need at your house to help get the children going on their vegetables"
Yeah, she looks terrified!

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 Osborne Computer
Introduced in 1981, and weighing in at nearly 25 pounds, the Osborne Computer was the first portable computer. Competitors soon flooded the market with better (and lighter) alternatives and Osborne Computer Corporation filed for bankruptcy in September 1983.
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Maytag Power Washer
"...it is up to YOU and I, brother farmer, to get one of these power washers in our home and save the good wife the toil and trouble that she has endured for so long while you and I have had every modern convenience known to farmers for ever so long."
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Daisy Vacuum Cleaner
The Daisy was a manual vacuum cleaner designed in France around 1890 and built in Britain. It required two people to operate it. The first person had to stand on the base of the bellows, moving it back and forth with the aid of a broomstick. The second person could then use the attached hose to suction up the dirt.
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Learn to Train Your Wife in Five Easy Lessons
The Committee for a Better America was formed for, "the suppression of radicalism, class legislation and all else inimical to the welfare of the nation."
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Wall Drug
Wall Drug, located in the town of Wall, South Dakota -- in the "middle of nowhere" -- has been attracting weary road travelers with "free ice water" since 1931.
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V8 - My heart sings
Mom is wired on Benzedrine!
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Ciltone - Make it gay...the color way
"Make it gay...the Color way"
Let your freak flag fly!
And "Ciltone?" Really?
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Compuserve -- Welcome to Someday
Apparently in the future everything is white, except for boring computer screens.
And someday, CompuServe will die a slow, painful death.
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Scootacar
The Scootacar was manufactured in the 1950s by Hunslet Engine Company, one of England’s oldest locomotive manufacturers. It was a three-wheeler that was advertised as a covered scooter and even had handle bars instead of a steering wheel.
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Poses - 1949
 "Gay, feather light, lovely as flowers and comfortable, Poses come to America to add new glamour to your dress and figure. Perfect for sports -- you'll be pretty as a picture and free as a bird in Poses!"
And they look like stuffed ravioli.
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Protecto Sanitary Bloomers
In the days before sanitary napkins, women used a variety of methods for dealing with "the curse" most of which were less than ideal. Protecto Sanitary Bloomers were made out of rubber with convenient side openings for ventilation. And only $13.50 per dozen!  Imagine going into a store and saying, "I'll take a dozen pairs of rubber bloomers please!" 
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Mickey Rooney's Star-B-Q

Mickey Rooney made over $100 million during his career, but ended up with only 18,000 at his death at 93 in 2014. As his career began to falter in the early 1980s, Mickey invested and lost most of his money in crazy restaurants like Mickey Rooney's Star-B-Q and Mickey Rooney's Weenie World.
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Monday, August 19, 2019

Funny Vintage Ads (29)

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.
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Raleigh Chopper
In April of 1969, the MK 1 edition of the Raleigh Chopper went on sale to the general public.  The Chopper copied the high-rise handlebars, long seat backs, and sissy bar of "chopped" motorcycles and included a 3-speed gear shift that was positioned right where a boy's tender bits were likely to land during a crash.
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Bensen gyrocopter
"Easy to Build and Fly" -- Easy to crash too.
In 1953 Dr. Igor B. Bensen started Bensen Aircraft Corp., in Raleigh, North Carolina, with the goal of developing a mass-producible “People’s Flying Machine” capable of door-to-door transportation.

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Superman -- Help Keep Your School All-American
In 1949, DC (National Comics) produced this image and text originally for a 12 x 18” brown paper school book cover that was distributed to schools by the Institute for American Democracy, an offshoot of the Anti-Defamation League. 
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Great Sale of Slaves
It's hard to imagine there was ever a time when some humans were bought and sold like livestock, but for black Americans the end of slavery was just the beginning of their quest for equality. Another century would pass before the nation began to truly embrace that goal and we still haven't even come close to reaching it.
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Kellogg's Rice Bubbles
Kellogg's Rice Krispies were marketed as Rice Bubbles in Australia and New Zealand. They were created by a patented process that Kellogg's called "oven-popping."
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Sears Travelknit Fourpiece
Sears Travelknit Fourpiece.
When you can only afford one suit, make sure it's an ugly green doubleknit. 

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Honeywell -- Strobonar 332
Gee, only 5 minutes between flash pictures. That'll work out great if you're photographing a wedding and reception.
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Murray Regent -- What a gay assortment
Guy in Blackface: "I'm not gay! And I'm not racist either."
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StepOuts by Roberto di Paoli
No, please DO NOT step out of those towel shorts!
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New York Central -- To Every Mother in America
During WW2, every US corporation wanted Americans to know they were doing their part.
"Tonight, Mothers of America, remember these things, and listen for the whistle of the trains as they go thundering in the dark. Listen ... and you'll hear the voice of a nation's fury .. the battle-hymn of free men working together, fighting together, until Victory is ours."

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Colgate - What's a moon without a man?
"What's a moon without a man?"
I don't know...is that like a fish without a bicycle?
Colgate was the first toothpaste in a collapsible tube, introduced in 1896 in New York City.

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Crosby's Vaporising Inhaler
 In 1876, George Crosby received a patent for Crosby's Vaporising Inhaler. The inhaler was touted as a remedy for Catarrh (excessive discharge or buildup of mucus in the nose or throat) and all diseases of the mucous membranes and air passages of the head, throat and lungs.
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Atomic Radiation -- Kill the rumors Know the facts
"Radiation poisoning is way overblown and nuclear bombs are not dangerous at all!" - guy with three headed baby.
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Kenn Duncan -- Nudes and More Nudes
Although Kenn Duncan is mostly remembered today for his photographs of male nudes, in the 1980s he was famous for his photographs of "Divas" like  Bernadette Peters, Chita Rivera, Angela Lansbury, Joan Rivers, Bette Midler, Susan Sarandon, Carrie Fisher, Lily Tomlin, Labelle, and Diane Keaton.
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Leggs -- It's nice to have a girl around the house
Why is a man standing on this "Tiger Lady" in a victory pose? Oh, that's right, because as soon as she saw his Mr. Leggs pants she let him “walk all over her.”
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Colt -- Safety on the highways
“Our women-folk are mighty independent now-a-days”
If that cop is there to help, why is his gun pointed at her head?
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Crippen -- Professional New Punching Bag
 If you want to project an image of strength, maybe you shouldn't wear your robe like a dress when you work out.
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Join Civil Defense
Most Baby Boomers can remember Civil Defense drills that were based on the dubious notion that that people should try to survive a nuclear apocalypse.
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Soul-Aid
 Band-Aid was introduced in 1920, but it wasn't until the 1960s that a "flesh-colored" bandage was introduced for black people, and even then they were, "not available in stores."
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Reddi-Bacon

From the makers of Reddi-Wip, Reddi-Bacon was pre-cooked bacon packaged with an absorbent paper pad between sheets of foil. Unfortunately, leaking bacon grease would wreck your toaster and cause a fire hazard.
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Modess -- Why do minds misbehave?
DIAGNOSIS: "Accident panic" -- the fear that the sanitary napkin she wore did not afford complete safety and protection. 
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Nunn-Bush -- A man needs a choice
"A man needs a choice"
And apparently, that choice includes three pairs of wild shoes and... a naked woman.
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Farr's Patent Ladies' Menstrual Receptacle

Despite claims that it is “the grandest invention for the convenience and cleanliness of ladies,” this device certainly appears to be a very strange and uncomfortable contraption. A soft rubber cup gets inserted into the vagina, and fluid flows into a “receptacle” attached to a belt. “At night, before retiring, the fluid can and should be removed, simply by removing a cap, without removing the instrument.”
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Appetrol
The first version of Appetrol was a fiber supplement that, "promotes a feeling of fullness." Apparently that didn't work well because later versions of Appetrol contained Dextroamphetamine, "a central nervous system (CNS) stimulant and amphetamine."
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Saf-t-Bra
The Saf-t-Bra was a hard plastic brassiere produced during World War II, to prevent injuries to the breasts of women war workers.
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Rapid Mechanical Calculation
The first adding machine was invented by nineteen-year-old  Blaise Pascal in 1642. Dorr Eugene Felt was an American inventor and industrialist who was known for having invented the Comptometer, an early computing device, and the Comptograph, the first printing adding machine.
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New 1943 Norge
Every well-equipped kitchen needs a machine gun emplacement.
During WW2, many heavy industries switched to wartime production, but they also wanted to let people know that they were still in business and would be shipping consumer products as soon as the war was over.
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Candy cigarettes -- Just like Dad
Candy cigarettes taste like chalk, so it's not the taste that attracts children, but the chance to look like an "adult." A 1990 study found that sixth graders who used candy cigarettes were twice as likely to smoke cigarettes than those who did not use candy cigarettes, and yet candy cigarettes are still available for sale today -- even on Amazon.

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Major Matt Mason
In the early 1960s, the Matt Mason character was developed by Mattel to compete against Hasbro’s G.I. Joe. Mason was a "bendy” -- a figure with a rubber-molded body covering a wire frame that could be bent to make the figure pose in different positions. A 3D film based on the toy series was announced in 2011, starring Tom Hanks and with an estimated budget of $100 million.
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Hart Schaffner & Marx
 "Incidentally -- Shagland's price won't strain your allowance or dad's charge account a bit!"
You wouldn't want to strain dad's charge account by buying expensive suits, since he's also paying for your education.