Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Funny Vintage Ads (65)

 

 Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.

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Armhole Test
Ladies, check your pits. And maybe your forearm is still hiding in that dress.
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Smith & Wesson - thicker
Smith & Wesson: "Our handguns are thin and easier to hide."
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Balls Candy
"Suck on some BALLS for an instant lift."
Woman's Lib was just getting started in the 1970s. Advertisers were looking for ways to cash in and this was one particularly obnoxious example.
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ASPRO
ASPRO -- British aspirin -- needs the caffeine in a "cup of tea" to work well.
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GE's major breakthrough at this time was "Simultaneous Duplex" which simply means both sides can speak and hear the other at the same time. 
Goodall's Primate Sheds
"British Made" so you know they are fit for a Queen.
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Knox - Sissy-Sweet Salads
Apparently, there was an epidemic of sissy-sweet salads in the United States in the 1950s. Thankfully, Knox Gelatine wanted to rid the land of this scourge. In fact, Gelatine is extracted by by boiling skin, tendons, ligaments, bones, etc. in water, so it might need a little sugar just to make it palatable.
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Borg-Warner Kangaroo Plane
"Believe it or Not" the Borg-Warner "Kangaroo" plane never actually got off the drawing board.
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No Need to Streak
Advertising Executive: "How can we grab reader's attention and encourage new subscribers?"
Answer: Show some "under boob"
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Vegemite
Vegemite, invented in Melbourne, Australia in 1922, is a thick, dark brown food spread made from leftover brewers' yeast extract with various vegetable and spice additives. Despite the concoction's Australian roots, the company that owns Vegemite is all-American. In 1935, Vegemite was officially sold to Kraft Foods—now Mondelez—and is still owned by them today. 
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Kaiser Bill Toilet Paper
During WW1, the British people could show their disdain for the German enemy by using this toilet paper, but it was "forbidden in the mail."  
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Jittery Nerves
Or perhaps it was those 2 cups of coffee after dinner...
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Dr Pierce Favorite Prescription
Dr Pierce's Favorite Prescription was an abortifacient popular in the 1890s, but they couldn't say that, so instead they said it was "uterine tonic" that "restores health and strength."
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Mellotron
The Mellotron is an electro-mechanical musical instrument similar to later digital samplers that was developed in England in 1963. Each of its keys is attached to a short length of magnetic tape with prerecorded sounds, that when pressed pulls the tape past a playback head. The Mellotron was used on many famous 1960s-era recordings by the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, the Moody Blues and many others.
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Cooked Corn Beef Instead of Salted
British sailors were thrilled when in the mid 1800s, the British Navy switched from salted corned beef to cooked corned beef.
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Beautyrest cost in cigarettes
Yes folks, you can own this mattress for the equivalent of only two cigarettes a day...for 10 years. Of course that was in 1959. Now a good mattress will set you back $2,000 and even a pack of cigarettes costs over $5. Good news; if you smoke enough and get cancer, you won't need a new mattress.
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Kazooka - Sonic Ray Gun
You load the Kazooka with ping pong balls in what looks like the barrel and then turn the crank and the balls shoot out of the bottom port.  What that has to do with a kazoo is anyone's guess.
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Evans Vacuum Cap
The Jefferson Bank of St. Louis will hold your money for 30 days and give you a genuine certificate promising to return the money if you are not satisfied.
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DeLorean - The Vanishing Breed
DeLorean was a vanishing breed in 1983 because it was a massive failure and the factory was already closed.
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Magic Touch Ice Tray
Today, crushed ice and cold water from the refrigerator door is a necessity, but back in the day (till 1953) if you wanted ice from your refrigerator/freezer you had to plan ahead. First you'd fill up an ice tray with water, put it in the freezer, wait several hours and then "crack" the tray to remove the cubes. Then refill the tray and return it to the freezer.
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Raytheon Radar Range
In 1947, Raytheon invented the "Radarange", the first commercially available microwave oven. It was almost 5 ft 11 in tall, weighed 750 lbs and cost about US$5,000 ($61,000 in 2021 dollars) each.
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Western Union facsimile system
During the 1920s, Western Union pioneered the first practical use of a device that could send pictures over telegraph wires for press services, an invention that represented the precursor to the modern-day facsimile machine. A little more than a decade later, in 1935, Western Union introduced the first public facsimile service, connecting Buffalo, New York, and New York City
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ABC Afterschool Special - the day my kind went Punk
A kid goes from being the ignored middle child and school outcast to looking like a death rock wannabe. Everyone around him is scared and repulsed by the change, but he gets a new girlfriend.
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The Berkshire Hills Sanatorium, 1896
Dr Brown and Son treated cancers of the skin and other areas accessible without surgery by applying a corrosive paste to the tumor. Repeated applications would gradually dissolve the tumor away, eventually leaving “a clean, granulating wound” that would heal on its own.
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I sqirmed with pain
 This lady's "Unmentionable Affliction" that is furrowing her brow =  hemorrhoids.
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Lactated Food
The modern equivalent of "lactated food" is infant formula.
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Ty Cobb - Tuxedo Tobacco
Ty Cobb, "The Georgia Peach" was a great baseball player from 1907 to 1926, but a miserable human being who would often "spike" opposing players when running the bases. In February 1936, when the first Hall of Fame election results were announced, Cobb had been named on 222 of 226 ballots, beating both Babe Ruth and Honus Wagner.
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Ah Men Jumpsuits
If you can scowl hard enough this baby-blue jumpsuit won't seem so gay.
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If your wife can't cook
She said she could cook before you got married, but she didn't say she was a good cook. If you're going to keep her as a pet, you should probably send her to obedience school.
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Vitalis -- see the difference
Don't want to see an ugly grease stain on his pillowcase? Just tell your husband to take a shower before bed or sleep on the couch.
 
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