Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Funny Vintage Ads (31)

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.

Dinah and her jell-o dessert
"Jell-O's fine for chil'en 'at likes good things to eat."
Jello is actually a protein produced from collagen extracted from boiling animal bones.


Milk rings the bell
"To boys, milk means strong, active bodies for athletics. Girls drink milk for clear, attractive skin...bright eyes, beauty and popularity."
Harris 20th Century railroad attachment
This product is meticulously described – all the features, portability, popular with men and women, beautiful black enamel – but there are no instructions on what to do when a train comes barreling down on you.
You have a beautiful face but your nose
"Upon the impression you constantly make rests the failure or success of your life. Which is to be your ultimate destiny? My new Nose-Shaper “Trados” (Model 24) corrects now ill-shaped noses without operation, quickly, safely and permanently, Is pleasant and does not Interfere with one’s occupation, being worn at night."
Jayne's Sanative Pills for Liver Complaints

One of the earliest and most successful patent medicine makers of the 19th century was David Jayne. He was born in PA in 1798 and later spent the bulk of his career making medicines in Philadelphia. Dr. Jayne also wrote and distributed over 500 million almanacs.
Colt - Isn't it time you gave yourself a Christmas Gift
In 1836, Samuel Colt was granted a U.S. patent for the Colt revolver, which was equipped with a revolving cylinder containing five or six bullets and an innovative cocking device.
Quick Death Insecticide and Deodorant
Quick Death Insecticide and Deodorant circa 1890.
"It's a floor wax and a desert topping!"


McDonald's 12 cents French Fries
The first McDonald's opened in 1955 in Des Plaines, Illinois, to resounding success. Six years later Ray Kroc bought out the founding McDonald brothers for $2.7 million.
How to use "ORAL PENETRATION" to get more pay!
"Gentlemen, don't watch in despair as less talented men around you are promoted. Here is how to use Oral Penetration to get more pay!"

Geritol - Feel Stronger Fast
Geritol was introduced in 1950 as an iron and B vitamin tonic by Pharmaceuticals, Inc. Geritol was fined by the Federal Trade Commission in 1970 over their claims about treating "tired blood." In court findings, their advertising was described as "gross negligence that bordered on recklessness."

Tokio Kid Say -

This racist depiction of the Japanese, called The “Tokio Kid,” was created during World War II by artist Jack Campbell and sponsored by Douglas Aircraft Company as part of the company’'s campaign to reduce waste.

Listerine -- Go to bed, Stubborn ... He's not going to call
"He's not going to call" because your breath stinks and so does your attitude.
How You Can Avoid the Danger of Denture Breat
"Don't think that Janet doesn't love you, Mother. She does! But how can anyone love your . . . Denture Breath?"

Cooties -- also known as lice 
During World War I, the soldiers in the trenches called lice "cooties" and "arithmetic bugs" because "they added to our troubles, subtracted from our pleasures, divided our attention, and multiplied like hell."
Serpasil (Reserpine)
Serpasil (Reserpine) is a drug that is used for the treatment of high blood pressure and hypertension, but it has also been useful as a tranquilizer.
“Raise the emotional threshold against everyday stresses,” says the ad’s headline. Serpasil “acts as a gentle mood-leveling agent [and] . . . sets up a needed ‘tranquility barrier’ for the many patients who, without some help, are incapable of dealing calmly with a daily pile-up of stressful situations.”

RotorWay Aircraft
RotorWay Aircraft was founded in 1961 by B.J. Schramm in Chandler, Arizona. 
Their first model, the Scorpion, was priced at $6,300 (not including the cost of the 40 hp motorcycle engine). Current models start at $150,000.

Monster Size Monsters
Many a kid was disappointed after responding to this ad in the back of comic books in the 1960s, because all they received was a 7-foot poster, "In Authentic Colors with Glow in the Dark Eyes."

Swedish Dogskin Garments
Most Americans in the 1950s didn't want a jacket or any other garment made out of dog skin, but even today many imported "pigskin" and "lambskin" articles of clothing (gloves, handbags) are actually made from dog skin.
Hawkins Electrical Guides
If this is such a great idea, why is he clenching his fists?
The Hawkins Electrical Guides were first published in 1914 and covered all aspects of the science of electricity as well as its practical application in such things as electric cars, which were being built at the time, and possible future applications like the transmission of images.

Kellar Self Decapitation
 Called the “dean of magic” and “the most beloved magician in history,” Harry Kellar (1849-1922) was the most popular magician in America from 1896 until 1908.

The Combined Lifting & Spanking Machine
The Combined Lifting & Spanking Machine was patented in 1909 by Ulysses S De Moulin.
"Just about the time he gets well started lifting, a trigger is automatically released, which causes the spanking paddle to spring into place and strike him on the kazabo, at the same time exploding a 32-calibre blank cartridge with a loud report. (Paddle can be easily removed and used as a spanker.)"
"That is not all: there is also an electric attachment concealed under the platform of the machine that turns on a good current of electricity at the same time the paddle hits his pants."


 The 6X6 Bazooo was produced for only two years by Otaco in Ontario, Canada, beginning in 1970. This forerunner to today’s all terrain vehicles was designed to go anywhere off road on ice, snow, marsh, mud, rocks and water.
Jolt -- Join the Jolt Revolt!
Jolt Cola was created in 1985 by C. J. Rapp as a highly caffeinated beverage with the slogan "All the sugar, twice the caffeine!" The company filed for bankruptcy in 2009, but "Jolt" products are still sold though licensing agreements with other companies.

Magical Penis Wine
Does "Magical Penis Wine" make a penis magical, or is it only for magical penises? The wine actually contains a mix of gecko, gecko testicles, deer penis, dog penis and herbs.

Lifebuoy Royal Disinfectant Soap
Lever Brothers, an English soap company, introduced the first anti-bacterial soap in 1895, using carbolic acid derived from coal tar, instead of tallow (animal fat). It was the best selling medicated/health soap in North America until 1951.
Cambells -- Hunches about lunches
"Men like their food hearty...so...what could be better than big, piping bowls full of Scotch broth?"
How about hamburgers, pizza, Carne Asada Burritos...just about anything but soup.

MIcropro Word Processor - What you see is what you get
WordStar was a word processor application that had a dominant market share during the early- to mid-1980s. It was the first microcomputer word processor to offer mail merge and WYSIWYG (What You See is What You Get).    🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻

Hercules exercises -- "Get big husky muscles!"
"For Men Only" because...women don't need "Big Husky Muscles" 
The Atomic Tunnel
The Atomic Tunnel was a tourist attraction near Daytona Beach, Florida during the 1950s. It was a long, white concrete building in the shape of a meandering tube, studded with 824 "port holes" that was designed primarily as a showcase and shop for exotic orchids. It also featured tropical birds, a monkey, and "Happy, the Walking Fish," a  Southeast Asian "walking" catfish.
Hardees -- Women don't leave the Kitchen!
Women are meant to be in the kitchen, while men who are bachelors obviously cannot cook for themselves.