Funny Vintage Ads (90)

 Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.

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In the 1950s, Van Heusen was telling men how to handle their women, "You'll never know what results you'll get until you try..."

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"What Milady will wear in the car during the fall and winter season."

This outfit that looks like a burka was necessary, because early autos had open carriages and no heat.

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This 1940s Luden's ad used a clever slogan to describe a stuffed nose. 

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"Skimpy Wiring" does appear to be quite a shady character, but not as shady as a copper company using scare tactics to sell copper wire.

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Make-believe police detectives were virtually untouchable back in 1947 when armed with this Dick Tracy Rapid Fire Tommy Gun. 

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During the 1930s, Fleischmann’s Yeast for Health campaign turned unappetizing blocks of fresh yeast into one of the first health-food fads by using brazen, relentless advertising marked by unverifiable claims and “scientific” language. 

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 Eugene Feuchtinger (1862-1930) was a scientist and an expert on the human voice. He also had a knack for marketing. The "FREE BOOK" at the beginning of the second paragraph changes to "booklet" in later mentions. 

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"...Bugs just go away and die"
That's nice of them to be so considerate.

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"Their eyes will open wide..."

 The disco era had many wild styles, like this dog ear collar shirt that sold for $17.95, the equivalent of about $145 today. 

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In the 1910s, the bus trip from San Diego to "Tia Juana" took about 2 hours over bumpy and dusty roads. That left you with about an hour of sightseeing at the Mexican bars and curio shops before the 2-hour return trip.

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Pvt Treptow was a soldier in WW1 who wrote in his diary before he died heroically,
"I will sacrifice, I will endure,  I will fight cheerfully and do my utmost,
 as if the whole issue of the struggle depended on me alone."
By the time the US government was floating the Fourth Liberty Loan, the demands were getting increasingly desperate. i.e. "You who are not called upon to die..." should loan us more money to fight the war. 

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The Adventures of Superman was the first live-action television show starring Superman and ran in syndication from 1952 until 1958.  

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"...you too can become lovelier, more poised, more self-confident, while preparing yourself for an exciting and glamorous career" as a pretty girl who assists and serves men.

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This 1929 Cream of Wheat ad, “A Case of Desertion” uses the racist “watermelon” stereotype

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Robert Edwin Dietz first began selling whale oil lamps in 1840. Dietz Tubular Driving Lamps were popular as headlights in early automobiles of the 1910s.  The company did well for 100 years before it was sold to Hong Kong in the 1950s.

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“Practically Carefree!” - if you don't care about mold.

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Chest Wig - a giant patchy mat of chest pubes "for that macho look" 

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In 1899, Francis Barraud, painted a picture of his brother’s dog, “Nipper”, listening intently to a windup Edison-Bell cylinder phonograph. The trademark was registered by Berliner Gramophone for use in the United States on July 10, 1900. In 1929, “His Master’s Voice” trademark was acquired by the Radio Corporation of America.

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"The 14-day Palmolive Plan"
(Wash and then massage your face 3 times a day) 
The original Palmolive soap formula was made entirely of palm and olive oils, but because of environmental concerns, Palmolive soap no longer contains palm oil. 

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Creosote, produced from the burning of wood and coal, is an antiseptic that has been used for thousands of years.

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 Weekly Reader was a weekly educational classroom magazine designed for children that began in 1928. Millennials (1981-96) were the first generation of toddlers who were introduced to computers via animated characters like Stickeybear. It was not all fun and games, because corporations like Xerox (who bought Weekly Reader in 1965) were exploring the potential of shaping young minds, one pixel at a time.

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"His skis get loving care but his hair gets only neglect."
Vaseline Hair Tonic in the 1950s and 60s was so greasy it was like giving your head a lube job.

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Woodward's Solar Camera (1860) was the first widely successful photographic enlarging device. 

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X-Ray Soap was produced in the 1920s and sold primarily to auto manufacturers like Ford. 

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Baker Motor Vehicle Company manufactured electric automobiles in Cleveland, Ohio, from 1899 to 1914. Thomas Edison designed the nickel-iron batteries used in Baker electrics and owned one of the first. 

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"Maybe your kids have never come right out and said they're ashamed that you never finished high school. But it's the kind of thing a mother can sense."  

Maybe you shouldn't have told them in the first place.

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Cascarets were made from the bark of the Cascara Sagrada tree, native to British Columbia and long used by Native Americans as a laxative. By 1899, when this ad appeared, Cascarets were selling 5 million boxes per year.

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 During WW2, many American corporations who were making a fortune on war production, were at the same time guilting people into buying more war bonds with heavy-handed ads like this one.

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The 966 pound Bendix G-15 "personal" computer was introduced in 1956. The machine found a niche in civil engineering and over 400 were made.

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"Just like Daddy"
This display is from the 1960s, but It's hard to imagine a time when that sounded innocent.

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Funny Vintage Ads (89)

 

 Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.

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  "With the Love-Bot 3000 your wildest desires are now at the press of a button and an extension cord."

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Even for 1909, this was very racist:
"When melons are ripe there is joy unbounded. The Georgia Coon gladly takes chances on birdshot and dogs to land one."

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 If your kids are ashamed of you, then
switching to skim milk probably won't help.

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Get your man some of that Man-Magic!
The first locking pliers, with the trade name Vise-Grip, were invented by William S. Petersen in De Witt, Nebraska, in 1924.

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Perma-Lift panties "can't ride up-ever" because they are so tight your ass crack will fuse together. 

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After 1904, instead of using fresh coca leaves, Coca-Cola started using "spent" leaves – the leftovers of the cocaine-extraction process with trace levels of cocaine. Since 1929 Coca-Cola has used a cocaine-free coca leaf extract.

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"How to escape the dreaded phone call, 'I won't be home tonight' "

Either wash your face or chop down the telephone poll.  

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"The cards are sent to you on credit because we trust you."
And because you'll owe us $15.00 whether you sell them or not.

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If you ask for a raise you'll trigger inflation and your raise will then be worth less, or even worthless. This made some sense during WW2 when war production greatly reduced the supply of consumer goods.  

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This 1930s era self-propelled tricycle was far superior to any of the wheelchairs being made at that time.

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 Garbage disposals were a wonderful innovation...for plumbers who had to clear the drains more often, after people dumped all their food waste and various other items down the disposal.

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"Invigorates, Enlarges, Shrunken and Undeveloped Organs"
This 1920's penis pump worked with a crank and you'd have to be a bit of a crank to use it.

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All of the 1970s comic book ads for learning to hypnotize featured female subjects to stoke teen male fantasies. 

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In 1911, Schlitz was the first to introduce brown glass bottles, preventing light from spoiling the beer inside.

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Instead of Chop Chop Chop, Grandma can now Grind Grind Grind. The Universal Food Chopper was first sold by Landers, Frary & Clark company in 1897.   

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 William Valentine Wright in 1860 made an antiseptic soap from a liquid by-product of the distillation of coal. Coal tar soap was great for the treatment of skin diseases -- until it wasn't. The coal tar was later banned as a cancer risk and replaced with tea tree oil.

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In the 1930s and 40s, "Less of a Boy" meant you were weak and girlish, and possibly gay. 

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She hit the jackpot...with a sexual harassment lawsuit against this office Lothario.

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Joe Louis is widely regarded as one of the greatest boxers of all time. He reigned as the world heavyweight champion from 1937 until 1949. Of the over $4.6 million earned during his boxing career, Louis himself received only about $800,000 and spent lavishly to the point where he became destitute and owed the IRS more than he could ever pay back.  

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Thomas Edison's patent on the phonograph didn't expire until 1917, but that didn't stop others from copying his designs before then.

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Cheerios Guided Missiles - now you can defend your homeland with conventional and nuclear missiles! One missile in each box. Collect them all! 

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George Washington was the Father of our Country and also the Greatest American Cut Plug.

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You'll be thrilled when you don't catch a beating for using your friends as targets.
The Bazooka Blow Gun of the 1940s consisted of a plastic straw and 10,000 spitballs.

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This ad appeared in the 1875 edition of the Hawaiian Gazette. The Kingdom of Hawaii was sovereign from 1810 until 1893 and it was legal to trade opium. Opium was also legal in the US until 1909.

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She is laughing because she knows he can't make it long.

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"The Sound is Big! The Sound is Now! The sound is Wards!"

That last one was never a great selling point. Montgomery Wards musical instruments in 1977 were basic but affordable. Aaron Montgomery Ward started the first general purpose catalog sales offering in 1872, focusing on rural customers in the Midwest.

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 "If you go beyond your limit, please don't drive, 'Phone Home,"" 

And say what; that you're spending the night? 

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Entertainment for incels in the 1950s.

"Photos actually come to life when viewed through Magic 3-D viewer."

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 Jenness Miller's book of dress patterns might have been a valuable resource for women who could sew, but the $2 she wanted in 1896 is equivalent in purchasing power to about $74.36 today.

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If you like a giant slab of greasy pork in the middle of your pancakes, make sure it's genuine Spam.

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