Thursday, March 25, 2021

Funny Vintage Ads (50)

 Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.

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Sears Twin Automobile Seat Top Buggy
$33.95 won't buy you an automobile, but it can buy you an automobile seat in a buggy, with a top.
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Skinless --  the No Waste Food
"Skinless" hot dogs use a cellulose casing for cooking, but the casing is removed between cooking and packaging, a process invented in Chicago in 1925 by Erwin O. Freund, the founder of Visking.
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Wham-O started the first Hula Hoop craze in 1958, and then repeated that success in 1967, by adding 6, ¼-in.-diameter ball bearings inside each Hula Hoop to give it a whirry sound, and they called it the New Shoop Shoop Hula Hoop.
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Long Distance Automobile
At the turn of the 20th Century, "long distance" in an automobile meant driving 10 - 15 miles without a windshield or any protection from the weather. The U. S. Long Distance Automobile Company of New Jersey operated between 1901 and 1903.
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All-concrete blast-resistant home
Your "all-concrete blast-resistant house" has a huge patio door that will shatter and slice up anyone huddling inside.
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Lysol - Why is her husband so cruelly indifferent?
Until contraception was legalized in the US in 1965, “feminine hygiene” "germs" and "odors" were euphemisms for birth control.
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Kohler Electric Sink
Introduced in 1926, the Kohler Electric Sink was one of the world's first motor-powered dishwashers and began the practice of washing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.
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WYTEN - Dingy Teeth Made Radiant White
"Are you smile shy because of discolored, dull and unattractive teeth?"
Just paint your teeth with cosmetic enamel. What could go wrong?
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Honeywell Space Cabin Simulator
The Honeywell Space Cabin Simulator was designed to emulate the isolation of a lengthy mission in space, but it was a lot roomier than the actual early space capsules.
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English Breast Pump
"Bicycle Horn" breast pumps didn't work very well and they were impossible to clean properly, and often damaged sensitive tissues.
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Magazine Secretary
  Don't be a plain old magazine salesman when you can be a neighborhood magazine secretary!
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NONSPI
"One application protects you from two to five days."
Maybe you should shower more often.
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Minnesota atomic
1948 ad suggesting companies who don't want to be nuked should move to Minnesota.
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Jubol
Translation: "Physiological laxative, the only one making the functional reeducation of the intestine"
 Our microscopic workers will scrub your intestines while reeducating them.
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Stop sleeping with pins in your hair
Put a bag over your head instead!
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The Pure and Germless Kiss
"...there are always a few careful ones who strive after the pure and perfect kiss." But no one is kissing them because they still live with their mothers...
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Ruptured? Try this.
"I can help you."
Call me and I'll come over and hold back your ruptures.
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Cold Ham Mousse

The recipe specifies canned chicken broth. Homemade broth just won't do; it must be canned!
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Computers for everyone
This vision of the future was a bit off, but magnetic tape, dial telephones, paper tape and cathode ray tubes were all used in early computers.
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Horne's - Driving to Florida
Horne's -- for people who think Stuckey's is too fancy.
The Horne's chain was founded by Bob Horne in 1948. Mr. Horne had been an employee of Stuckey's and began his own business after WWII following a disagreement with the Stuckey family.
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Wee Beep Sputnik
"This half sphere features fluorescent finder tips. These pink locator antennae tips activate under light and glow "blue" in the dark." 
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Pepsi-Cola -- I'm looking for a tall man with a long thirst
Pepsi was first introduced as "Brad's Drink" in New Bern, North Carolina, in 1893 by Caleb Bradham, who made and sold it at his drugstore.
On three occasions between 1922 and 1933, the Coca-Cola Company was offered the opportunity to purchase the Pepsi-Cola company, and it declined on each occasion.
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Hires Root Beer - Purifies the Blood
Root beer is a traditional American beverage dating back to the colonial era. Hires Root Beer, introduced in 1876, is the second longest commercially made soft drink in the United States. Advertising copy claimed it could purify the blood and make rosy cheeks.
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Ben Gay - Peter Pain
"Peter Pain" is a pox-speckled leprechaun who will make your life miserable unless you rub in some Ben-Gay. But there are no pain killers in Ben-Gay. Menthol and methyl salicylate work by causing the skin to feel cool and then warm. These feelings on the skin distract you from feeling the aches/pains deeper in your muscles and joints.
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The Allen Fountain Brush
A scrub brush that squirts water:  SCIENCE!
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The National Surgical Institute of Philadelphia
Why is there a prosthetic leg laying on the stairs?
The National Surgical Institute, founded Dr. Horace R. Allan and Dr. W.P. Johnson, first opened in Indianapolis in 1869, expanding to three other locations, Philadelphia, Atlanta, and San Francisco by 1875.
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Coon Chicken Inn
The Coon Chicken Inn was a fried-chicken restaurant chain located in the Pacific Northwest from the late 1920s through the late 1940s. The chain was most famous for its racist “Coon” logo.
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Career Opportunity as a private investigator
"Who's the black private dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks? (Shaft)
You're damn right"
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Vi-Rex Violet Rays
The Vi-Rex Violet Ray was
a high frequency, low current electrical instrument that was marketed as a device for electro-therapy, promising in the copy to "increase your store of energy" and "revitalize your worn-out cells."
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Pullman - The Civilized Way to Travel
The inventor of the Pullman Sleeper, George Pullman was open about his reasons for hiring Black porters: He thought that former slaves would know best how to cater to his white customers’ every whim, and they would work long hours for cheap wages.

Tuesday, March 2, 2021

Funny Vintage Ads (49)

 

  Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.

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National Dairy Products - Stumbling Block
Johnny can't solve a simple puzzle because you sent him to school with "a watery beverage and a bun" in his stomach instead of some milk.
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Allan's Anti-Fat
Allan's Anti-Fat contained a fluid extract of Fucus vesiculosis (bladder wrack), which led to the discovery of iodine in 1811. It was a forerunner of modern iodine-containing weight loss supplements, but they were only helpful to those suffering from hypothyroidism.
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Chrysler Air Conditioning
"V.I.P's refrigerated air-conditioning is an option, not an afterthought; built-in, not bolted on." And yet it is actually "bolted on" under the dash and there are no vents in the dash, indicating that it was indeed "an afterthought."
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Shredded Wheat - Don't strike out
"Pound for pound there is more muscle-making, brain building material in Shredded Wheat Biscuit than in beef, bacon or eggs."
Nope. That muscle-making, brain building material is protein and if our simian ancestors had limited themselves to grains they would never have developed large brains.
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Amphicar
3,878 Amphicars were built in Germany from 1961 to 1968. The Amphicar is the only civilian amphibious passenger automobile ever to be mass produced.
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9 Piece Civil War Set
Yes kids, you can now take the hill dressed as your favorite loyal Union soldier or slavery-loving Southern insurrectionist.
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Lili St Cyr - Scantie Panties
Marie Frances Van Schaack (1918 – 1999), known professionally as Lili St. Cyr, was a famous American stripper. She retired from the stage in the 1970s, and began a lingerie business.
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Majestic Range - the heart of the home
The old cast iron stoves were built like battleships and were truly the "heart of the home" because they were the center of all activity in the home.
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Cine-Kodak Eight

"I'd love to have a movie camera, but my husband is a loser who doesn't make enough money."
The Cine-Kodak Eight was one of the first 8mm consumer movie cameras to use a magazine or cartridge to hold the film.
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Things happen when you wear Eleganza
Things certainly would happen if you wore Eleganza now – people would laugh at you.
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Farrah Bean Bags
“Wipes clean with just a damp cloth” 
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Clearasil - outgrow pimples
Clearasil was invented in 1950 by Ivan Combe, who made a career out of catering to people's discomforts and insecurities. His company later acquired Grecian Formula, the men’s hair color product, and Lanacane, the itch cream. In the 1970s and ‘80s, he introduced Odor-Eaters foot care products, Vagisil feminine care products and Just for Men, another product for coloring gray hair.
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Human Wrecks saved by celery
"Each tiny easy-to-swallow Perle represents the medicinal value of 26 lbs of Fresh Golden Celery." -- except for the fiber.
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teel protects teeth
Many tooth paste and tooth powder brands prior to the 1950s had an abrasive content that could do more harm than good.
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Computer Confidence - A Woman's Guide
Do women really need a "how-to" computer book written just for them, as if they have special challenges that men don't share?
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Parents Magazine - Should Father see his baby born?
Until the mid-1970s, expectant fathers paced back and forth in a waiting room because they were not allowed in the delivery room,
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Make your own Bikini
"Make your own Bikini...for sunning and posing -- BUT NOT FOR SWIMMING"
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Bashful
"Bashful? Shame on you"
What? I thought you were trying to help?
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toke-o-matic
If you need a separate device to fill the bowl again after your first hit, then you've probably had enough already.
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Maybelline Kissing Potion
Kissing Potion by Maybelline -- for those girls who really get around.
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100 piece Toy Soldier Set
Kids who sent away for this got a cardboard footlocker and flat, two-dimensional  soldiers.
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Brown Paper protects your purchases
Before shopping bags were introduced in the 1930s, salesclerks would bring merchandise to the counter from shelves or a stockroom for customer inspection, then package the purchase in paper and twine to make it easier to carry and to protect the item on the journey home.
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Tulip Cups
Until the early 1900s, it was common to have shared glasses or dippers at water sources in public spaces. It was an obvious health-hazard and Lily-Tulip Cup Corp began manufacturing pleated paper cups to meet the demand.
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Cuticura Soap
Cuticura
antibacterial medicated soap was first manufactured by the Potter Drug and Chemical Company in 1865.
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Gun shoot quarters
 Pay your toll and terrify the tool booth operator at the same time!
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King Midget
The King Midget was a micro car produced between 1946 and 1970 by the Midget Motors Corporation. Time magazine put the King Midget micro-car on its 50 Worst Cars of All Time and called the King Midget “a crap-tastic little vehicle."
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McIlhenny's Tabasco
McIlhenny Company was founded by Edmund McIlhenny in 1868 on Avery Island, Louisiana. Today the product is sold in more than 195 countries.
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GE Refrigerator - First Choice
In 1937, when this ad first appeared, it was still common in advertising to depict black maids in white households.
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Goodyear - Please Daddy What About Me?
"Please daddy, what about me?"
Are you going to risk my life just to save a few bucks?
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El Supermano

 El Supermano with "Mexi-Action" says, "Et un Perro Caliente!" (Eat a Hotdog!).