Thursday, March 25, 2021

Funny Vintage Ads (50)

 Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.

Sears Twin Automobile Seat Top Buggy
$33.95 won't buy you an automobile, but it can buy you an automobile seat in a buggy, with a top.
Skinless --  the No Waste Food
"Skinless" hot dogs use a cellulose casing for cooking, but the casing is removed between cooking and packaging, a process invented in Chicago in 1925 by Erwin O. Freund, the founder of Visking.
Wham-O started the first Hula Hoop craze in 1958, and then repeated that success in 1967, by adding 6, ¼-in.-diameter ball bearings inside each Hula Hoop to give it a whirry sound, and they called it the New Shoop Shoop Hula Hoop.
Long Distance Automobile
At the turn of the 20th Century, "long distance" in an automobile meant driving 10 - 15 miles without a windshield or any protection from the weather. The U. S. Long Distance Automobile Company of New Jersey operated between 1901 and 1903.
All-concrete blast-resistant home
Your "all-concrete blast-resistant house" has a huge patio door that will shatter and slice up anyone huddling inside.
Lysol - Why is her husband so cruelly indifferent?
Until contraception was legalized in the US in 1965, “feminine hygiene” "germs" and "odors" were euphemisms for birth control.
Kohler Electric Sink
Introduced in 1926, the Kohler Electric Sink was one of the world's first motor-powered dishwashers and began the practice of washing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.
WYTEN - Dingy Teeth Made Radiant White
"Are you smile shy because of discolored, dull and unattractive teeth?"
Just paint your teeth with cosmetic enamel. What could go wrong?
Honeywell Space Cabin Simulator
The Honeywell Space Cabin Simulator was designed to emulate the isolation of a lengthy mission in space, but it was a lot roomier than the actual early space capsules.
English Breast Pump
"Bicycle Horn" breast pumps didn't work very well and they were impossible to clean properly, and often damaged sensitive tissues.
Magazine Secretary
  Don't be a plain old magazine salesman when you can be a neighborhood magazine secretary!
"One application protects you from two to five days."
Maybe you should shower more often.
Minnesota atomic
1948 ad suggesting companies who don't want to be nuked should move to Minnesota.
Translation: "Physiological laxative, the only one making the functional reeducation of the intestine"
 Our microscopic workers will scrub your intestines while reeducating them.
Stop sleeping with pins in your hair
Put a bag over your head instead!
The Pure and Germless Kiss
"...there are always a few careful ones who strive after the pure and perfect kiss." But no one is kissing them because they still live with their mothers...
Ruptured? Try this.
"I can help you."
Call me and I'll come over and hold back your ruptures.
Cold Ham Mousse

The recipe specifies canned chicken broth. Homemade broth just won't do; it must be canned!
Computers for everyone
This vision of the future was a bit off, but magnetic tape, dial telephones, paper tape and cathode ray tubes were all used in early computers.
Horne's - Driving to Florida
Horne's -- for people who think Stuckey's is too fancy.
The Horne's chain was founded by Bob Horne in 1948. Mr. Horne had been an employee of Stuckey's and began his own business after WWII following a disagreement with the Stuckey family.
Wee Beep Sputnik
"This half sphere features fluorescent finder tips. These pink locator antennae tips activate under light and glow "blue" in the dark." 
Pepsi-Cola -- I'm looking for a tall man with a long thirst
Pepsi was first introduced as "Brad's Drink" in New Bern, North Carolina, in 1893 by Caleb Bradham, who made and sold it at his drugstore.
On three occasions between 1922 and 1933, the Coca-Cola Company was offered the opportunity to purchase the Pepsi-Cola company, and it declined on each occasion.
Hires Root Beer - Purifies the Blood
Root beer is a traditional American beverage dating back to the colonial era. Hires Root Beer, introduced in 1876, is the second longest commercially made soft drink in the United States. Advertising copy claimed it could purify the blood and make rosy cheeks.
Ben Gay - Peter Pain
"Peter Pain" is a pox-speckled leprechaun who will make your life miserable unless you rub in some Ben-Gay. But there are no pain killers in Ben-Gay. Menthol and methyl salicylate work by causing the skin to feel cool and then warm. These feelings on the skin distract you from feeling the aches/pains deeper in your muscles and joints.
The Allen Fountain Brush
A scrub brush that squirts water:  SCIENCE!
The National Surgical Institute of Philadelphia
Why is there a prosthetic leg laying on the stairs?
The National Surgical Institute, founded Dr. Horace R. Allan and Dr. W.P. Johnson, first opened in Indianapolis in 1869, expanding to three other locations, Philadelphia, Atlanta, and San Francisco by 1875.
Coon Chicken Inn
The Coon Chicken Inn was a fried-chicken restaurant chain located in the Pacific Northwest from the late 1920s through the late 1940s. The chain was most famous for its racist “Coon” logo.
Career Opportunity as a private investigator
"Who's the black private dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks? (Shaft)
You're damn right"
Vi-Rex Violet Rays
The Vi-Rex Violet Ray was
a high frequency, low current electrical instrument that was marketed as a device for electro-therapy, promising in the copy to "increase your store of energy" and "revitalize your worn-out cells."
Pullman - The Civilized Way to Travel
The inventor of the Pullman Sleeper, George Pullman was open about his reasons for hiring Black porters: He thought that former slaves would know best how to cater to his white customers’ every whim, and they would work long hours for cheap wages.

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