Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Yet More Vintage Ads

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot weirder than you thought.


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We pay cash for dead flies

 For years, Coles Pharmacy bought dead flies at five cents per pint -- until they filled the basement storeroom with insect corpses. Coles Pharmacy is still in business in Mansfield, PA.

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Allen Nasalator

This looks more like a torture device. And how does plugging up your nose prevent or relieve anything?

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Amazing Cards Make it Easy to Meet Women
 "Here's a sensational new way to meet women! Not useless theory . . . but actual tools you use to "break the ice" and start a flow of friendly conversation...Use these cards anywhere; at dances, parties, offices, while walking or traveling. These cards are in good taste and easy to use."
 
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Magnesium makes the day's work lighter

"Founded by Paul Revere in 1801..."
Paul Revere was a
n active patriot during the Revolutionary War who was immortalized by Longfellow’s poem, “Paul Revere’s Ride. He was also a very successful silversmith who began casting iron, bronze bells, copper bolts and spikes. In 1800, he became the first American to successfully roll copper into sheets for use in sheathing battleships and other naval vessels. 


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The game for the avid golfer

The Putt On The Pot golf game allows the avid golfer
to practice his putting while in the restroom.
And you thought your game was in the toilet....
Be the King of The Links on your own throne.


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Marlboro Earth

The new environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the overpopulated planet by the human race.

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Now she can cope - Butisol

 "Kids are different today, "
I hear ev'ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she's not really ill
There's a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day


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 Chlorox Tooth Paste

"Chlorox is the only tooth paste which permits you to 'oil your teeth.'"
But, why would anyone want to oil their teeth?


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Authentic Beatle Wigs
Dig this new cool party fad. It's a Gas! Brush it, comb it! Sideboards, fringe, long neck -- the lot! Swing Man Swing . . . Don the wig quick as a flash in brown or black acrilan. Elasticized Front: Fits Everyone: Order Now!



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Marine Midland Credit Card

"Nobody but Mr. Harold Karp can use Mr. Harold Karp's Marine Midland Master Charge card. Not a burglar. Not even his wife..."
This ad is really insulting, by showing the wife with a sheepish look on her face, as if she can't handle the responsibility of a credit card.


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Bicycle Windshield

"Kids, now you can transform your bike into something really special with this transparent Bike Windshield. Just like the ones on motorcycles, this vinyl Windshield will protect your from rocks, debris, wind, etc. when you're pedaling at great speed. And, it really look sharp too. Adds that extra something only motorcycles now have."
That extra something will have your friends and complete strangers laughing at you.

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Venus -- the perfect hair dryer


"Can be quickly snapped on the handle of ANY VACUUM CLEANER"
Our hair dryer and your vacuum cleaner will make your hair look just as good as our model's hair!


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Wonder Sauna Hot Pants

The Wonder Sauna Hot Pants worked like this: You inflated the rubber shorts and wore them around the house for a while. Your body would sweat more than usual, causing you to lose a few ounces of water weight.
The appeal was obvious: instead of going to all the trouble involved in eating right and exercising, the buyer can wear sauna pants while cleaning the house or lying around watching TV and get the same effects.


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The Barker Vibrator

It was not uncommon for Victorian doctors to encounter female patients with what was diagnosed as "hysteria."  The usual treatment was a "pelvic massage" to induce "hysterical paroxysm" -- basically, an orgasm, which would supposedly restore the woman to full health.
Dr. J. Mortimer Granville pioneered the electromechanical vibrator in the 1880s. The first devices were so large that they were only suitable for use in doctors' offices. Later, smaller devices were developed and marketed for personal use. 


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GEM - How to be appreciated!

 "Face-neat men are always preferred...Gem Blade's super-keen non-crumpling edge gives you shaves which last right around the clock"
One would think a "non-crumpling edge" would be the minimum requirement for a razor blade. 


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A Blemish-Germ Almost Wrecks A Romance

 Jane turns the knob on her own door, a germ hitches a ride to her face, and she has a pimple the next day. That's not the way pimples happen because germs don't burrow under the skin, but it's a great way to sell soap.

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The Look You Want When You Want It!

"You will be Amazed"
If growing a facial hair isn’t your thing, don’t worry. It’s clear from this old ad that you aren’t alone. However, for only $2 Honor House was 100% willing to send you a stick on rug so you could live out your fantasies!


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Borg Bath Scale

"This year, there is no gift like Borg's magnificent bath scale . . . the "Flight." This jewel-like beauty sparkles like a precious gem in any bath and puts an end to all weight-guessing."
A bathroom scale for Christmas is a great way to tell a loved one that they really need to go on a diet.


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Hypno-Coin

"Hold the Hypno-coin in front of the person you want to hypnotize. Then, gently vibrate the plastic lens. This sets the hypnotic pattern into a whirling motion. A motion that is so fascinating, it captures and rivets your subjects eyes to the "Hypno-Coin." Now, proceed to give your hypnotic suggestions and commands."

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School Days are Happy Days with a Telephone in the Home

 Encouraging telephone use by children seemed like a good idea at the beginning of the 20th Century. Little did they know that one day children as young as six would be so attached to their mobile phones that they would spend every spare moment obsessively checking their messages.

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Genuine Original Sack Dress

"Genuine! Original! SACK DRESS  Why spend big money on high fashion when you can give her the authentic Sack for just a dollar? Made of honest-to-goodness potato sacks. The loveliest female will look like a sack of potatoes. Handsome two-color print. Man's revenge! A sack-ful of fun."

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Go on - Have a Fag

Fag is British slang for a cigarette and was originally a term for a bundle of sticks. And later, the frayed end of a piece of cloth or rope. Hand rolled cigarettes often have loose strands of tobacco sticking out of the end. These were thought to resemble the cut, and frayed end of a piece of rope, called the fag-end. The term "fag end" now means the dregs of a cigarette -- just the filter and a small remaining section of tobacco.

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Las-I-Co for Superb Manhood


 Perry Hannah and Tracy Lay were lumber barons in Northern Michigan who began a mercantile company in Traverse City, in 1883. The original three-story "Big Store" sold hardware, boots and shoes, dry goods, clothing, groceries, provisions and furniture.
In 1917, one of their Las-I-Co distributors was fined $200 and costs by the US Attorney in Illinois, for shipping "mislabeled" products across state lines because all of the claims made about the product were determined to be false. The Hannah & Lay company went out of business in 1931.  


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I'll Learn Yez - Kelloggs Toasted Corn Flakes
John Harvey Kellogg is best known for the invention of the famous breakfast cereal, Corn Flakes, in 1878. Originally, he called his cereal Granula, which he later changed to Granola in 1881. Toasted Corn Flakes were invented as part of his health regimen to prevent masturbation.

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Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Etc. MASKS

 "Your chance to have some real fun! Get one of the Hitler or Mussolini masks and then go visiting! Fine for school plays. Slip on one of these Hitler masks and then try looking into your friends' windows -- they'll never get over seeing Hitler, in person."
Masks of dictators (as well as various other celebrities) could be purchased from the Johnson Smith Catalog in the 1930s and 1940s.

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Hinds gave back her Honeymoon Hands

In 1870, Aurelius Stone Hinds bought a drug store in Maine. In the nineteenth century it was common practice for pharmacists to make up preparations for local sale and in 1873 he developed Hinds’ Honey and Almond Cream, a  beeswax-borax emulsion that was thinned down so that it could be poured from a bottle.
Although Hinds Honey and Almond Fragrance Cream is no longer in production, other cosmetics sold under the Hinds brand are still being made. The current products, which include infant skin-care and general body lotions are produced primarily for the Mexican and South American markets. 

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Nigger Hair Tobacco

The use of the "N" word in advertising was very popular until the purchasing power of black consumers gradually made them very attractive to advertisers. Nigger Hair Tobacco was sold by the American Tobacco Co. of Wisconsin beginning in the 1870s and changed its name to Bigger Hair Tobacco in the late 1920s. 

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Frontier Cabin

Why pay for an expensive apartment when you can move out of your parents' house and into your own frontier cabin?
The actual item buyers received for their $1 was a thin, plastic shell that arrived folded in an envelope. You had to build your own wooden frame. 

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Remote Control Channel Changer

Back in the early days of television (1950s) viewers quickly realized that no one wanted to get up from their easy chair to change channels on the TV set.  Until the first wired "remote control" hit the market the adults would usually have their kids change channels for them.
 This early "channel changer" would turn the TV on or off and mechanically rotate the channel selector, but volume controls and mute buttons would have to wait until the development of wireless remotes.

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Life Size Inflatable Doll

For those who have everything...except a life.
 "Snuggle up to your own Love Maid. "Her name is Judy and she was made to please you, to serve you, to be at your beck and call. That's how she earned the title Love Maid."

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More funny vintage ads here: http://ken-padgett.blogspot.com/2017/08/funny-vintage-ads.html

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