Funny Vintage Ads (89)

 

 Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.

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  "With the Love-Bot 3000 your wildest desires are now at the press of a button and an extension cord."

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Even for 1909, this was very racist:
"When melons are ripe there is joy unbounded. The Georgia Coon gladly takes chances on birdshot and dogs to land one."

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 If your kids are ashamed of you, then
switching to skim milk probably won't help.

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Get your man some of that Man-Magic!
The first locking pliers, with the trade name Vise-Grip, were invented by William S. Petersen in De Witt, Nebraska, in 1924.

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Perma-Lift panties "can't ride up-ever" because they are so tight your ass crack will fuse together. 

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After 1904, instead of using fresh coca leaves, Coca-Cola started using "spent" leaves – the leftovers of the cocaine-extraction process with trace levels of cocaine. Since 1929 Coca-Cola has used a cocaine-free coca leaf extract.

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"How to escape the dreaded phone call, 'I won't be home tonight' "

Either wash your face or chop down the telephone poll.  

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"The cards are sent to you on credit because we trust you."
And because you'll owe us $15.00 whether you sell them or not.

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If you ask for a raise you'll trigger inflation and your raise will then be worth less, or even worthless. This made some sense during WW2 when war production greatly reduced the supply of consumer goods.  

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This 1930s era self-propelled tricycle was far superior to any of the wheelchairs being made at that time.

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 Garbage disposals were a wonderful innovation...for plumbers who had to clear the drains more often, after people dumped all their food waste and various other items down the disposal.

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"Invigorates, Enlarges, Shrunken and Undeveloped Organs"
This 1920's penis pump worked with a crank and you'd have to be a bit of a crank to use it.

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All of the 1970s comic book ads for learning to hypnotize featured female subjects to stoke teen male fantasies. 

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In 1911, Schlitz was the first to introduce brown glass bottles, preventing light from spoiling the beer inside.

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Instead of Chop Chop Chop, Grandma can now Grind Grind Grind. The Universal Food Chopper was first sold by Landers, Frary & Clark company in 1897.   

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 William Valentine Wright in 1860 made an antiseptic soap from a liquid by-product of the distillation of coal. Coal tar soap was great for the treatment of skin diseases -- until it wasn't. The coal tar was later banned as a cancer risk and replaced with tea tree oil.

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In the 1930s and 40s, "Less of a Boy" meant you were weak and girlish, and possibly gay. 

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She hit the jackpot...with a sexual harassment lawsuit against this office Lothario.

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Joe Louis is widely regarded as one of the greatest boxers of all time. He reigned as the world heavyweight champion from 1937 until 1949. Of the over $4.6 million earned during his boxing career, Louis himself received only about $800,000 and spent lavishly to the point where he became destitute and owed the IRS more than he could ever pay back.  

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Thomas Edison's patent on the phonograph didn't expire until 1917, but that didn't stop others from copying his designs before then.

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Cheerios Guided Missiles - now you can defend your homeland with conventional and nuclear missiles! One missile in each box. Collect them all! 

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George Washington was the Father of our Country and also the Greatest American Cut Plug.

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You'll be thrilled when you don't catch a beating for using your friends as targets.
The Bazooka Blow Gun of the 1940s consisted of a plastic straw and 10,000 spitballs.

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This ad appeared in the 1875 edition of the Hawaiian Gazette. The Kingdom of Hawaii was sovereign from 1810 until 1893 and it was legal to trade opium. Opium was also legal in the US until 1909.

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She is laughing because she knows he can't make it long.

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"The Sound is Big! The Sound is Now! The sound is Wards!"

That last one was never a great selling point. Montgomery Wards musical instruments in 1977 were basic but affordable. Aaron Montgomery Ward started the first general purpose catalog sales offering in 1872, focusing on rural customers in the Midwest.

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 "If you go beyond your limit, please don't drive, 'Phone Home,"" 

And say what; that you're spending the night? 

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Entertainment for incels in the 1950s.

"Photos actually come to life when viewed through Magic 3-D viewer."

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 Jenness Miller's book of dress patterns might have been a valuable resource for women who could sew, but the $2 she wanted in 1896 is equivalent in purchasing power to about $74.36 today.

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If you like a giant slab of greasy pork in the middle of your pancakes, make sure it's genuine Spam.

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 Buy a No Soliciting Sign
That Really Works!