Funny Vintage Ads (6)

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot weirder than you thought.

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"Wind it up and watch it do its thing! It's gotta be seen to be believed"
Hollywood Mail Order Corp was a subsidiary of Fredrick's of Hollywood, started by Frederick Mellinger (inventor of the push-up bra) in 1947.

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"How many "Typhoid Marys" are in this crowd?...In every crowd there are almost certainly several "carriers" of disease germs...You know Lifebuoy is a health soap by its wholesome, pungent odor."  

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in 1888, the KODAK camera was invented and marketed with the slogan, "You press the button - we do the rest." The first Brownie Camera was introduced in 1900. It sold for $1 and used film that cost 15 cents a roll. For the first time, the hobby of photography was within the financial reach of nearly everyone. 

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 The nerve of that guy! He actually thinks "No" means "No" and stopped when I told him. Doesn't he realize that when a woman says stop she really wants you to steal "second base?"

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What do you think are the causes of an early grave? Fatty foods, smoking, lack of exercise? Nope, it’s mouth breathing! So knock it off already! The Perfect Breather permanently solves your snoring and eliminates "flabby facial muscles, double chin, protruding and unshapely lips, etc."

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 In the 1960s the American country music duo Homer and Jethro became spokesmen for Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and appeared in a series of zany commercials. Homer and Jethro were the stage names of  Henry D. "Homer" Haynes (1920–1971) and Kenneth C. "Jethro" Burns (1920–1989).

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Dr. Kilmer & Co., was founded in the 1870s in Binghamton, New York. The company was one of the first firms to advertise nationally. Due to their questionable ingredients and extravagant therapeutic claims, proprietary medicines such as Dr. Kilmer's were targeted by the National Food and Drug Act of 1906.

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"How proud you will be as commander of your own POLARIS SUB -- the most powerful weapon in the world!
Sturdily constructed of 200 lb. test fibreboard. Because of the POLARIS SUB'S giant size we must ask for 75 cents shipping charges."
How many kids took their Polaris sub out to the middle of a lake, only to find that it did the diving part just fine, but not the maneuvering and surfacing part?

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Tired of groping under a darkened dashboard, trying to find that elusive ignition lock? With this genuine mink keyhole cover, you can find it in a flash, every time!

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In the 1950s, legally manufactured tablets of both dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine) and methamphetamine (Methedrine) became readily available and were used non-medically by people in all walks of life. Amphetamines became a cure-all for such things as weight control to treating mild depression. However, as use of amphetamines spread, so did their abuse.

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In the early 19th century, Nicholas Hoare, an illusionist, exhibited "Toby the sapient pig" in London. Toby could "discover a person’s thoughts", a skill "never heard of before to be exhibited by an animal of the swine race". Around 1817 Toby also published an autobiography, The life and adventures of Toby, the sapient pig: with his opinions on men and manners. Written by himself.

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 “How Mother and Baby 'Picked Up.'  A case of Blatz Beer in your home means much to the young mother, and obviously baby participates in its benefits. The malt in the beer supplies nourishing qualities that are essential at this time and the hops act as an appetizing, stimulating tonic. Blatz Milwaukee. Always the same good old Blatz.”
And what could be better for your baby than downing a couple of beers before breast feeding?

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 "Bewitch, allure and captivate with this rare, stimulating fragrance. Just one drop of this secret aroma will endure for hours and will add a more thrilling, irresistible charm to you! ALSO FREE PERSONAL DIRECTIONS tell you HOW to use if you want to win love."
Sounds like "Honeymoon Charm" is a euphemism for "I'm ready for sex." Why not save your time and money, and just say so?

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In the 1950s, Seven-Up launched a campaign bragging that 7Up had the youngest consumers in the business. And it even suggested mixing the sugary soda with milk. 7Up was the brainchild of Charles Leiper Grigg from Missouri, who during the early 1900s was one of the pioneers in the ad and sales industries. After a few failed tries at making beverages, he decided to focus on citrus flavors, and by 1929 he had created 7Up.
 
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Don't mess with cooks. Ever. And don't you dare buy that dreadful cereal called "Substitute" over Corn Flakes.
Kellogg's Toasted Corn Flakes was first created by John Harvey Kellogg in 1894 as a food that he thought would be healthy for the patients of his Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan.

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"I had a difficult problem of ugly superfluous hair on face and limbs. I was discouraged -- unloved. Tried many different products, but nothing was satisfactory." Ah, the curse of the womanly whiskers. The lip caterpillar. The Man Tickler. The Frida. The Lady Grimley. Do you shave it, pluck it, bleach it, or wax it? Have you tried plunging your face into a pot of boiling hot water and scraping it off with a pumice rock?

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This is a bilingual notice in English and Cherokee stating that William McConnell will no longer pay the debts of his wife Delilah McConnell because she has left him. Published in the "Cherokee Phoenix", New Echota, Georgia in 1828. The Cherokee Phoenix was the first newspaper published by Native Americans in the United States and the first published in a Native American language.

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"Cosmic Vision Principle"
"Amazing invention gives you perfect vision from within -- but cannot let anyone look thru at you. Same idea now being used by FBI and police to secretly watch suspects and prisoners and at schools to observe children."
Wait, so people will think you're "invisible" because nobody can see your face? How is that different from any other mask?

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On August 10, 1917, shortly after the United States entered World War One, the U.S. Food Administration was established to manage the wartime supply, conservation, distribution and transportation of food. To ensure adequate supplies, sugar became the first food item to be rationed. All rationing during WW1 was accomplished through public information campaigns and voluntary compliance.

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 "Sensible -- No matter the cost -- no matter the purpose --nothing else could be more sensible, or more appreciated by the bride than a Maytag Electric Washer, with Swinging Reversible Wringer."Maytag was founded in 1893 by businessman Frederick Maytag. They briefly tried making cars before focusing on the home appliance business. Maytag's first washing machine, the "Pastime" was produced in 1905, and the brand is still around as part of Whirlpool Corporation.

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 Jeeze lady, dial it back a little. Either get a dishwasher, buy rubber gloves, or stop complaining about your hands. Having dishwashy hands is nothing to be ashamed about at all. Besides, your husband doesn’t care how your hands look when the rest of you looks like you're in your fifties already, and it's only your first anniversary.

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"The world has never seen briefs like these: Ingeniously designed pads discreetly "build-up" your rear ... center stitch  seams ... "eye popping" cleavage ...  bottom band lifts and thrusts ... everything acts together to show off your new perfectly proportioned buttocks."
 
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Annie Oakley was born Phoebe Ann (Annie) Mosey in Ohio, on August 13, 1860. She married traveling show marksman Frank E. Butler in 1882 after beating him in a marksmanship contest and they traveled the country together performing in shows as Annie Oakley and Frank Butler.  Later Frank became her manager and they joined Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show in 1885. At five feet tall, Oakley was given the nickname of "Little Sure Shot" by fellow performer Sitting Bull.

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Methadone was developed in 1937 in Germany by scientists working for I.G. Farbenindustrie AG who were looking for a synthetic opioid to solve Germany's opium shortage problem. Methadone also helps reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms caused by opiate use, but some addicts treated with methadone complain that it's not a cure and that swapping drugs simply morphs the addiction from heroin to methadone.

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"The True-born Sons of Liberty are desired to meet under Liberty Tree at XII o'Clock, This Day..." 
The Sons of Liberty was organized in the summer of 1765 as a means to protest the passing of the Stamp Act. Their motto was, “No taxation without representation.”
Their most notable act was was the Boston Tea Party of December 16, 1773, which ultimately led to the outbreak of the Revolutionary War.

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This vintage WW2 poster was created by the Office of War Information, Domestic Operations Branch, Bureau of Special Services. (03/09/1943 - 09/15/1945).
Over 70 years later, surveys show that one in four people still fail to cover their mouth in public when they cough or sneeze.

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The Battle Creek Sanitarium began in 1854 as the Western Health Reform Institute, based on the visionary ideas of the Seventh-day Adventist church.  The institution, and the health reform ideas taught there, were brought to international prominence by Dr. John Harvey Kellogg.
In 1880, Dr. Kellogg hired his brother, Will Keith (W.K.) Kellogg (1860-1951), as his bookkeeper and business manager. Among his various duties, W.K. Kellogg assisted his brother in food experiments. The brothers developed the first corn flake cereal, but it was W. K. Kellogg who saw the potential of combining the cereal with milk for a quick, nutritious breakfast alternative. He was also a pioneer in mass marketing of the product to the public as Kellogg's Corn Flakes.


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 "Switch to Juleps and smoke all you want! Your mouth doesn't get smoke-weary! Your throat doesn't get that harsh hacking feeling! Your breath avoids tobacco taint!"

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Garters have been used since before the 14th century, and both men and women used garters to hold up their stockings. As dress hemlines got shorter and shorter over the years, women began wearing garter belts around their waists so their garters wouldn't show. Today, many ice hockey players still wear a form of a garter to prevent their socks from falling down.

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A mustache trainer could whip the unruliest of handlebars into shape. This 1901 version pays homage to the famous cookie duster of Kaiser Wilhelm II.

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Some More Funny Vintage Ads (5)

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot weirder than you thought.

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"A pretty thing she is. Dances well...wears cute clothes...manages to look beguiling in the latest hair-do. But the current apple of her eye is upset."
"Is it a gap in her character? No! It's a gap in her waistline..."gap-osis.""

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 "Yes, whether you're young or old, married or single, here's a girl friend that'll be the talk of the neighborhood -- and especially the guys and chicks." They'll wonder why you have a disembodied head staring out your back window.

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Indigestion, or dyspepsia, was so common in the United States at the end of the 19th century that it was referred to as America’s “national disease.” In 1887, the company that would later be called Johnson & Johnson came out with Papoid tablets that contained extracts of papaya enzymes. 

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Beginning in 1933, Brown & Williamson began selling menthol cigarettes with the brand name “Kool”. An anthropomorphic cartoon penguin was an ideal mascot to call attention to the “cooling” sensation of Kool menthol cigarettes. Willie was used to advertise Kool from 1934 until 1960.

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"Rastus" has been used as a generic, often derogatory, name for black men at least since 1880. Frank L. White was born about 1867 in Barbados, came to the U.S. in 1875 and became a citizen in 1890. He worked as a chef in a Chicago restaurant and in 1893, he became the model for Rastus, the smiling chef on Cream of Wheat boxes. Rastus was included on all boxes and advertisements for Cream of Wheat and continues to be used today with only very slight changes.  

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"Boots have to look great -- but they also have to be made for whatever you're going to be doing in them." No doubt that third leg comes in handy when you're running from the law.

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"It has often been said that the average American family has a depressingly low mentality, and will respond -- in politics, in entertainment, and in advertising -- only to the crudest most exaggerated appeals...Young & Rubicam has ample proof that this average American responds to advertising that respects his intelligence and appeals to him on that level"
The 2016 election of Donald Trump as president is proof that appeals to fear, ignorance and bigotry, are far more powerful.

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"The Acme Mustache Guard. Solid comfort while eating. No use for napkins - does not interfere with use of mouth. Made of gold or silver plate. Everyone should have one!"
18th Century men used waxes, greases and fats to keep their mustaches in place. It was bad enough having that smell right under your nose, but it also got in the way of eating and drinking because heat would cause the waxes and fats to melt.  

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"By wearing these perfectly designed Corsets the most awkward figure becomes graceful and elegant, the internal organs are speedily strengthened. THE CHEST IS AIDED IN ITS HEALTHY DEVELOPMENT."
The Electric Corset was sold by Cornelius Bennett Harness, proprietor of the Ammoniaphone. His Medical Battery Company’s main product was the ‘electropathic’ belt, which contained zinc and copper plates that were somehow supposed to generate a health-giving current.

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In 1893, Niels Finsen studied the effects of natural sunlight and artificial lights on skin. He later discovered that certain wavelengths of light can generate healing properties.
Since then, sunlamps have been used to treat skin disorders, burns, sleep disorders, neonatal jaundice and even some psychiatric disorders.

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It is well-known that Coca-Cola originally contained small amounts of coca extract. In the late 1800s many patent medicines contained coca and other opiates, but by 1900 the dangers of opiates were becoming clear. Coca-Cola couldn't eliminate the coca and still keep their patent on the formula, but by 1902 it was reduced to as little as 1/400 of a grain of cocaine per ounce of syrup. Coca-Cola didn’t become completely cocaine-free until 1929, but there was hardly any of the drug left in the drink by then.

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Falsies are padding for use in a brassiere to create the appearance of larger breasts. Falsies made of foam rubber first became available in the 1930s, shortly after the introduction of the modern brassiere. And the desire for for a fuller bosom continues unabated. Almost all bras today come with padding and breast enlargement is now the second-most popular cosmetic surgery operation, after liposuction.

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 "It has an Automatic Air Cushion which softly yet securely holds the rupture in any position. No steel springs or pads.  No salves or plasters. Durable. cheap. Sent on trial to prove it. Beware of imitations."
 The first really effective and safe operation for rupture was devised by Dr. Edward Earle Shouldice of Toronto in 1945.

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Beginning in 1903, Chalmers of Amersterdam, New York made Porosknit fabric, a porous cotton knitted material for men's and boys' underwear that allowed perspiration to evaporate through its mesh-like construction. 
The company made both two-piece underwear (separate undershirts and drawers) and the even more popular union suit which combined both shirt and drawers in a single garment.

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"Bottle Buddy frees Mother while Baby feeds himself in his hi-chair." This kid is obviously too old to be drinking from a bottle and should be using a sippy cup.

This might be a better idea for drunks who are too sloppy to hold a bottle but haven't passed-out yet.

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Worried about a double chin? Professor Eugene Mack’s Chin Reducer and Beautifier will eliminate and efface double chins, and give your skin the resiliency and freshness of youth; all while reducing “enlarged glands.” 

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"They double as sensational swim trunks!
White, Black, Nude. (Word of warning. White, when wet becomes transparent)"

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 "Mother Knows Best." ~ Instead of cookies and milk before bedtime, why not let baby crack open a cold one? And don't forget Mom and Dad too!

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 "Want the thrill of imposing your will over someone? Of making someone do exactly what you order? Try hypnotism!"
 Men who sent away for this were probably more interested in something besides making young women cluck like a chicken.

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Here is the “Body Beautiful System 5 Minute Shaper” with over 100 soft latex “shaping tips.” The ad is quite vague about how this device actually works, but it's apparently "weight loss via orgasm."


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"6 SQUARE FEET of floor space -- all that you need to start selling" Well, that and electricity to run the popper, and lots of foot traffic.
"$150 per Week Clear Profit" but only if you are "aggressive."

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 The Metal Textile Corporation was founded in 1922 by Barclay and Russell Kingman for the development of various applications of knit metal mesh. "The Chore Girl" was invented in 1926.

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The Chlorodent marketing department specialized in condescending remarks like this one: “No Halloween mask scares off a man as much as ‘morning mouth.'” Capitalizing on women’s insecurities, Chlorodent urges anyone with the dreaded morning mouth to use the product before they are dumped for extreme halitosis.

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 Making it to adulthood without learning to swim can be quite embarrassing. You can’t very well put on some water-wings or a rubber ducky inner-tube. Float-ees is the solution! "Also can be worn by women with their own swim suit bra."

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Once upon a time candy was not the unhealthy villain it is viewed today but an “essential” nutrient. Through the first half of the 20th century, sweets and  sugar were deemed essential to health -- good tasting and good for you. In fact, during WWII it was sanctioned by the government as part of the 7 essential food groups.

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 "From the juice of the poppy
Pantopon contains only the active principles of opium refined, water soluble, injectable -- no inactive constituents to be separated out."

Displayed in the American Journal of Surgery for readers to purchase, this injectable opium ad promises ‘dependable pain relief’ among other health benefits. This 1940s ad states that the product is "bound to please you."

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"No other business pays such large returns for the little effort required. We furnish complete outfits. The work is easy, strictly high-class and any man can operate the outfit by following our instructions."
Apparently, no actual talent is required either.

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 "Have fun -- pick your bust size, and blow up this cute curve-maker to just the look you like. Non skid elastic..."

The inflatable bra was introduced in 1952, with expandable air pockets that would help every woman achieve "the perfect contour."

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 In 1948 Albert Dorne created a correspondence school for art. He recruited eleven other very well-known artists and illustrators, including Norman Rockwell, to found the Famous Artists School.

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Dr. Jeanne Walter patented a rubber bandage in 1904. Later she invented a two-piece rubber suit of undergarments designed to retain perspiration and heat for therapeutic purposes. By 1909 this had developed into a full-body garment that was supposed to compress all your extra flesh into a svelte figure. Walter then developed other specialized garments for different parts of the body – a brassiere to reduce large busts, leg wraps to create slender ankles, a beer-gut reducer for men, and a Chin and Neck Reducer. 

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