Tuesday, February 14, 2017

My Life With JoAnn


JoAnn and Ken
I have been married for 33 years. This is the story of how I met the love of my life, and my life with her.

JoAnn was born in 1953 in Rockford, IL to Joe and Eleanor Fisher. She was the second of five daughters. She graduated from Virginia Polytechnic with degrees in English and History. She worked for the Carter Administration answering correspondence and voted for Nixon over George McGovern in the 1972 election -- a vote I will never let her forget. When I first met her, she was working as an editor for Time-Life Books in Alexandria, VA. 

I grew up about 15 miles away in Maryland and couldn't wait to get out of there. After my discharge from the Army, I went to work for the Naval Oceanographic Office traveling on Navy oceanographic ships as an electronics technician. My home base at that time was in Silver Spring, MD and it was during this period that I was first introduced to Beth and her circle of friends in Virginia -- and that included JoAnn

The first time I saw San Diego was aboard one of those oceanographic ships and I really fell in love with it, so I moved there in 1975.  It was a struggle at first but eventually I got a job working for Diebold, an alarm company that serviced banks.

In 1978, JoAnn was planning a trip to California and Beth suggested that she consider a side trip to San Diego and to call me to see if I'd show her around.


JoAnn called while in San Francisco and asked me if there was anything worth traveling to San Diego to see. I said, “Well, I’m here.” And with that, JoAnn was intrigued.

I picked her up at the airport and was immediately smitten with her beauty, her big blue eyes and her dazzling smile. She was very smart, vivacious, sweet, and a little mischievous which made her instantly lovable.

JoAnn
First I drove her to the Point Loma lighthouse to show her a view of all of San Diego. Then we ate lunch at Margaritas Restaurant in Ocean Beach

That evening we went to Mom’s Saloon in Pacific Beach. I almost got in a fight with an ex-roommate that I ran into there because he had previously cheated me out of some money. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed.


Later that evening, JoAnn propositioned me on the dance floor, “I haven’t been with anyone in a long time, but tonight I want to be with you.” We were getting along very well indeed, but that certainly caught me by surprise.

The next day we drove to Ensenada where we ate lobster and had a little too much to drink. While driving back, we went through Tijuana, and I drove the wrong way down a one-way street. We only realized it was one way after a guy ran out in the street waving his arms at us. Somehow we made it back to San Diego without getting pulled over.

JoAnn and Ken at Chargers game
That Sunday, we went to a Chargers football game after "tailgating" with friends in the parking lot. A couple of days later, it was time for JoAnn to go home. I hated to see her go, but after her trip we kept in regular contact via mail and phone. 

During a regular visit back East for Christmas, my mother expected me to stay with her, as I had always done, but I chose to stay with JoAnn instead. My mother didn’t take it very well, and actually wondered that JoAnn might be a gold digger, which is particularly ironic, given how things ultimately worked out.


JoAnn and Ken
In 1979, JoAnn left her job, her friends, her family, and a red 1968 Mustang in Virginia and moved to San Diego to live with me. That took a lot of courage, not to mention -- love for me.

Our first home together was a 2 bedroom duplex that I had been renting from an FBI agent. I didn't know he was an FBI agent or I wouldn't ever have rented the place, but it turned out that he was a good landlord. An interesting side note is that he became the first gay FBI agent to be identified as such in the history of the FBI -- but that's only if you don't count J Edgar Hoover and his "wife" Clyde Tolson.

Our neighbors on the other side of the duplex became a problem shortly after JoAnn moved in. I had a good relationship with them before JoAnn arrived, but it turned out that that was only because I was almost never there. The neighbors were soon complaining about us "slamming the front door" and not oiling our closet doors because they could hear them squeak, and my favorite question from them; "Do you know how many times you turn on that light switch that's on the common wall?" Wow.

Things slowly escalated to the point where the asshat next door would scream obscenities at us through his window when he would see us out front of the house. It eventually got so bad that he was threatening to have me killed. That ended after I recorded him making one of his threats and played back the tape for him. 

I had been going to Jr College full time and working full time as an electronics technician before JoAnn moved in. After I got my Associate's degree in Business Admin, JoAnn offered to support me while I got a Bachelor's degree from UCSD in communications, with an emphasis on video production

JoAnn and Ken

I was able to get my degree in only 18 months. I ASSumed that with my experience as an electronics technician and the degree from UCSD, I'd have no problem getting a job working for a TV station or video production house. Well, it didn't work out that way because there were a tiny number of actual jobs and way too many recent graduates chasing after those jobs.

JoAnn supported me through long periods of unemployment, while I was practically begging for any job doing anything and still being turned down. I was actually less employable after getting my degree than before, and that was very disheartening.

Eventually I got a job at an audio/visual staging company, where I was moving heavy equipment around, setting up for conferences in hotels. The company's culture was such that no one ever asked for help in lifting heavy things. It was like an admission of weakness. One day I was lifting a large TV monitor by myself when I lost my grip momentarily.  The monitor was about to hit the floor when I saved it from damage, but I had also damaged the tendons in my shoulder in doing so.

My shoulder wouldn't stop hurting after that and I ended up on Workman's Comp. That experience turned into an unrelenting nightmare and put me into a deep depression. Fortunately, JoAnn was always there for me through the emotional roller coaster of dealing with the insurance company, medical treatments, job retraining, etc.  
JoAnn and Ken

While on disability I decided to start a desktop publishing business. It was brand new and I was already trying to learn all I could about computers. I was able to make use of JoAnn's extensive contacts in the publishing business to generate business for myself, and JoAnn supported me through the ups and downs of self-employment.   

In 1984, we wanted to buy a house on a VA loan but the VA wouldn’t count both incomes unless we were married. JoAnn wanted a traditional wedding, but the planning and seeing to everyone's expectations got completely out of hand. 


Instead, we got married on St Patrick’s Day at the “Little Chapel” on 5th Avenue. JoAnn had a friend visiting and while we were on the way home after dropping him off at the airport I suggested we forget all the planning for now and just get married so we could buy that house. She agreed to it only if we would also not tell anyone about it, so that we could have a traditional marriage ceremony later. For a variety of reasons, that never happened and after a while it seemed redundant anyway.
JoAnn and Ken wedding day
In 1991, JoAnn got laid-off and then got pregnant. She had been pregnant before and had 2 miscarriages. This time it took and that may have been because JoAnn was living a relatively stress-free life at the time, doing freelance work as an editor. My desktop publishing business was in a slump, and I was working a temporary job as a phone support tech for a software company.

Because we didn’t have health insurance, JoAnn called around to various pregnancy counseling operations asking for help with expenses. None offered any help beyond counseling as to why she should keep the baby. Eventually we were able to arrange a pre-payment plan with the hospital and Kelly was born in February 1992 via a c-section. 
JoAnn and Ken with baby Kelly

Six months later, JoAnn was offered a great job in publishing by someone who had employed her previously and wanted her to come to their new company. It was a fantastic opportunity but we still had a little baby at home, so we decided that JoAnn would take the job and I would stay home with Kelly while also continuing my efforts to earn decent money via self-employment

I decided to become a network engineer and studied on my own to pass all the tests required for certification. I then solicited small businesses -- mostly printing companies -- because I had experience with the same software they were using for creating graphics and page layouts. JoAnn paid for my training materials, the equipment I needed, and supported me while I got my business going. And once again, I tapped her business contacts whenever possible.
 JoAnn and Kelly
When JoAnn started working on the "Uncle John's Bathroom Readers" series, she told me that they were paying $100 a finished page to freelance writers for anything that was subsequently published. I did so well at it that some people within JoAnn's company noticed how much money I was making and wondered why. After that, I did not report to JoAnn and none of my work was ever approved or edited by her.

In spite of the extra layers of supervision to prevent the appearance of "nepotism" everything I ever turned in was published. That came to an abrupt end when one of JoAnn's employees went after me because JoAnn had disciplined her. After a little whining from her about how she was uncomfortable editing my work, I was unceremoniously dumped by the same bosses who had previously valued my contributions

I had been studying how to be a webmaster and already had a couple of web sites, so I focused my efforts on making money via the internet. As always, my self-employment income has had it's ups and downs and JoAnn has put up with it for many years, mostly without complaint.

No story about my life with JoAnn would be complete without noting the many times she has bailed me out or otherwise put up with dumb things I've done; like getting a felony conviction for growing pot in the back yard, and the time I got sued by Time-Warner for copyright infringement. I could go on...oh yes, there is soooo much more. But you get the idea. Meanwhile, JoAnn has been a saint.

And JoAnn has been a great success in her career.  She began as an editor and rose to the top of her profession to become an editorial director with the biggest book distributor in the country. She has published many successful books and also wrote quite a few books. If you search her name on Amazon, you can see all of the books she has written. 

JoAnn has been a great mother to Kelly and wonderful wife to me. We've had some rough spots over the years, but we never intentionally did anything hurtful to each other. It's that concern for each others feelings, born out of a deep love and mutual respect that has seen us through all the difficult times we've faced.
JoAnn

One of my favorite things about JoAnn is her childlike appreciation of Christmas and Disneyland. Every year when Christmas comes around she gets all excited and loves doing the decorations. At Disneyland the delight in her eyes is like a little girl watching the "It's a Small World" automatons for the first time. 

Now that we are growing old together we are dealing with some of life's changes and challenges, but ... we'll always have *Paris...er, each other.
* Rick: "We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night." 

Unlike Rick and Ilsa, we have never lost it and we never will.
  
  "Here's looking at you, kid"

My Life With JoAnn collage

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

My mother, Charlotte Maureen Padgett, nee Boon

Charlotte Maureen Boon at 17
She was named after her mother, so she always went by her middle name -- Maureen
 

Born February 9, 1930 in Grand Rapids Mich.
Died December 21, 2013 at the Mandrin House,
675 Solomons Island Road. Harwood, MD 20776



Maureen Padgett as a child
Maureen had a wonderful relationship with her father and her eyes would always light up when she talked about him. Her relationship with her mother was cold and difficult. Maureen always felt that her mom favored her brothers. Maureen always wanted to go to college but her parents refused to help, repeating a common belief at the time; that girls don’t need to go to college because they get married. 
Maureen Boon at 16

They lived at 840 Ogden Ave, Benton Harbor MI 49022

Maureen’s difficult relationship with her mother only grew worse as she got older. Her older sister Joyce had the same problems with their mother and had moved to Washington DC to live with her spinster aunt named Eva. At the age of 16 Maureen had enough and asked to leave Benton Harbor and move in with Aunt Eva. It wasn’t till she arrived in DC and moved in with Aunt Eva that she found out that Eva treated them as maids/slaves and the aunt meted out various physical punishments to them. Joyce left as soon as she was able. Maureen stayed till she could finish school -- McKinley Technology High School, Class of 1948.


Joyce and Maureen
Joyce and Maureen

It was Joyce who finally rescued her from Aunt Eva after witnessing one particularly abusive incident. She helped Maureen get a job as a technician at the Bureau of Standards and they shared an apartment in Suitland Maryland

During this period Maureen was “adopted” by a large Irish family and often ate Sunday dinner with them. She loved one of the sons, but he was not interested in a relationship with her. She met Jim Padgett while playing baseball with friends. They were married soon after. Jim was in the Navy and planned to make it his career.


Maureen and Jim Padgett on their wedding day

Married James Andrew Padgett -- January 7, 1950
James Andrew Padgett
Born Dec 23 1928 in Saginaw MI
Died February 5 1995 in Pensacola FL




Maureen, Jim, Michael, Kenneth

Two children:
Michael James Padgett
Kenneth William Padgett


Lived in:
San Francisco
Virginia Beach, VA
Jacksonville, FL
Long Beach, CA

James decided shortly after he was married that it was a mistake but he didn't want to be the one to back out. Instead he did everything he could to drive Maureen away. He went out all the time with his pals and left her at home. He drank a lot. He was verbally abusive. Jim moved to California while they were living in VA and he didn't even leave her an allotment from his Navy pay. Maureen had no money but she scraped together enough to get to San Francisco, CA. Jim wasn't happy about her showing up there but he managed to impregnate her with what would be his first son, Michael. He ships out on an extended cruise without telling her or leaving her an allotment. Michael is born at the Naval Hospital, Oakland, CA on May 17, 1951.

Maureen tried to tough it out in San Francisco, but eventually returned to Benton Harbor and moved in with her parents. She met up with Jim again when he was visiting his parents in Holland, MI. One thing led to another and he managed to impregnate her once again. She follows him to Long Beach and 9 months later Ken is born. He ships out again.



Michael and Kenneth in Florida

Later they set up housekeeping in Jacksonville Florida but the pressures of being a married man began to wear on Jim and he went back to the same old drinking and whoring that he was used to doing with his Navy buddies. Jim's drinking got worse and he began to be physically abusive to Maureen and the children. After one particularly unpleasant incident, Maureen finally had enough and took the kids back to Benton Harbor. From there she moved back to DC and in with her sister Joyce for a week before getting an apartment of her own and a job as an editor at the U.S. Census Bureau, Publications Planning, in Maryland.

Maureen and Jim got a divorce. Jim was ordered to pay child support but he never paid it until Maureen had it taken out of his pay. Jim never saw his children again.

Maureen, Michael and Ken lived in a one bedroom apartment across from the Census Bureau. Maureen slept on the couch in the living room for 10 years until she was able to afford the extra $10 a month for a two-bedroom. In 1972, Maureen's parents sold their house in Michigan and helped her buy her first home. They moved in with her and she took care of them until their deaths.  




Maureen Padgett and Eugene Wendt
Maureen’s long-time boyfriend/companion was Eugene Wendt. They met at the Census Bureau and began dating in about 1963. They were engaged and came close to getting married a few times but never went through with it. Gene lived with her for several years and Maureen took care of him when he became ill and senile, until he had to be moved to a care facility. Maureen continued to manage his affairs until he died in June 2013.

Maureen was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus in 2012
She underwent radiation and chemo during Oct – Dec 2012
She had surgery to remove her esophagus in March 2013
Maureen Padgett died: Dec 2013

Maureen endured some very difficult radiation and chemotherapy like a champ, but it didn’t work. I advised against getting the surgery but she felt like she had no choice. Maureen’s life after the cancer surgery was a living hell. She always had nausea and vomiting as well as diarrhea. She lost a lot of weight and was just wasting away while waiting to die. She prayed to God every day to take her. Finally, after much more suffering, God did take her.

Maureen was a respected member of her community who donated time and money to many worthy causes. She was a good friend and confidant to many. She belonged to several clubs; genealogy, computer, women’s auxiliary of Knights of Columbus, etc. She helped out at her church by counting donations on Sundays.



Maureen was survived by:

Brothers:

Royce William Boon II
Arlington, TX

David Lee Boon
Benton Harbor, MI

Maureen, Royce and David Boon 



Sons:

Michael James Padgett
Edgewood, MD

Kenneth William Padgett
San Diego, CA


 Kenneth, Maureen, Michael



Grandchildren:

via Michael
Christian Mithander nee Padgett
Born: December 23, 1970
 


Maureen and Christian Mithander nee Padgett



via Ken
Kelly


 
Kelly and Maureen Padgett

No biography would be complete without revealing some difficult truths. Many people found Maureen to be quite charming, but I can only speak from my experience as one of her sons.

She had a lot of love to give but she didn't know how to show it. As a mother, she tried her best, but she never bonded with her babies. She was strict, negative and cold. I don’t remember her hugging me or telling me she loved me till much later in life. Likewise as a child I don’t remember much praise from her. She would always point to some flaw. It was only in her later years that she told me that she was proud of what I have accomplished without also undercutting it in some way.

She was always a cynic. She always looked at the dark side. To Maureen, the glass was always half-empty. She could never overcome her natural tendency to be selfish and self-centered. She was always on her guard against trespass. She always fought hard for what she thought was hers and was always suspicious of the motives of others. She could never speak of anyone without tossing in a negative or two. It was just her way of relating to the world.

Though I’m sure she had many good times, and I can certainly remember sharing some with her, she was a very unhappy person. She felt short-changed by life and was bitter about it. Her dream of a happy marriage went down the drain and she had to fend for herself with two small children. She took good care of her family; providing food and shelter, clean clothes etc, as well as parental supervision. Indeed, Maureen provided all the elements of good parenting except for warmth and affection. The problems she had with her children over the years all stemmed from her emotional detachment as a mother and her negative outlook on life.

Despite all the negatives, I loved my mother and always tried to be a good son. There are many things she didn't tell me about her relationship with my father until she knew she was dying. She should have left Jim when it became crystal clear that he wanted out of their marriage. Instead, she stood by and did nothing during the period when his drinking was out of control and he was acting out by abusing his wife and children.

One time he came home drunk and mad about something. His voice was so loud and threatening that he scared the baby that was playing on the floor and caused him to start crying. He responded by kicking the baby across the room like it was a football. That baby was me.

The incident that finally caused Maureen to leave him was when he -- drunk and belligerent again -- slapped me across the face so hard that my head bounced off the wall behind me. I was only four years old at the time. I know my mom felt a lot of guilt over her failure to leave him sooner and I wonder what she thought when later in life I started having chronic migraines. Could it have been caused by the abuse I suffered from my father? We'll never know, but those migraines have continued throughout my adult life.

Ken and Maureen Padgett 

It's been just over 3 years since she passed away and in that time I've been able to sort out my feelings about her. My mother had her faults and she made her share of mistakes, but she always loved me, even though she didn't always show it. It wasn't always easy for me to love her in return, but now that I know a lot more about what she went through, it's much easier for me to understand her and why she acted the way she did. I miss her.