Monday, September 18, 2017

More Funny Vintage Ads

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot weirder than you thought.


 Frederick’s of Hollywood

Frederick’s of Hollywood was established in 1946 by Frederick Mellinger and his first store was opened on Hollywood Boulevard in 1947. His association with Hollywood boosted the image of the company, which in the 1940s was responsible for such lingerie innovations as the padded, push-up and blow-up bras.


The Health Jolting Chair

 Advertising in magazines such as Harper’s Weekly, in the 1880s, the manufacturer claimed that 'The Health Jolting Chair' could solve the problems of the ‘cripples, paralytics … the corpulent, the insane, the blind etc’, as well as being ‘indispensable to the health and happiness of millions of human beings who may be living sedentary lives through choice or necessity.’ Some writers have commented on the erotic potential of the Health Jolting Chair, suggesting that it might have provided the same stimulation that horse riding offers to the female erogenous zones.


The Solothurn S-18/100 20 mm anti-tank rifle

Prior to the development of rocket-propelled grenade launchers, the weaponry used against light tanks was large-caliber anti-tank rifles. The German-made Solothurn S-18/100, a 20 mm anti-tank rifle was used during this period. As a result of its large, powerful ammunition, the gun had a tremendous recoil, and its size made portability difficult. After WW2, many were sold as military surplus and according to this ad, you could buy one via mail-order with only a $40 deposit.


Marshall's Catarrh Snuff

 Catarrh is a build-up of mucus in an airway or cavity of the body. Dr. Benjamin Marshall first started to market this snuff product in the early 1830s. It was claimed to be a cure for "nearly all common diseases of the head, except wrong-headedness."


 I dreamed I swayed the jury in my maidenform bra

The Dream campaign ran from 1949 through 1969 and revolutionized intimate apparel advertising by featuring women in their bras acting out fantasies of assertiveness and independence in public places.


Dr Campbell's Arsenic Complexion Wafers

Unlike today when everyone wants a tan, women in previous times thought pale was prettier. Pale skin was a status symbol, since it showed that the woman did not have to work in the sun. These poisonous wafers were advertised as being “simply magical” for the complexion, their most striking effects “being brought about by their steady use.” They were guaranteed to improve “even the coarsest and most repulsive skin and complexion.”


 The MOLBY Revolving Hammock

 The MOLBY Revolving Hammock
Make Your Spine Young!
"Stretch it with the Molby Revolving Hammock. Bring back health and vitality. Have a full chest and a small waist. Live longer and enjoy life more. All the keen relish of a healthful existence comes to the man or woman whose spine is straight, strong and supple, with no tension on the sympathetic nervous system and with every spinal nerve relaxed."
If you suffer from lower back pain, forget about seeing qualified health professionals. All you need is this terrifying-looking Molby revolving hammock that promises you "all the keen relish of a healthful existence."


The Rectorotor
The Rectorotor can "reach your vital spot to such good purpose," to cure “piles, constipation, and prostrate problems.” It was designed to break up any obstructions and lubricate the rectum. The tip had holes in it through which ointment could be released. How it was supposed to cure your prostate problems can only be imagined. But with an enticing motto like “large enough to be efficient, small enough for anyone over 15 years old,” it was worth a shot. 


 Golden Peacock Bleach Cream

 The history of skin whitening ingredients includes highly toxic lead and mercury compounds that were rapidly absorbed into the skin. In 1913, the Mitchum Warren family established the Paris Toilet Company in Paris, Tenn., to market a bleaching cream for freckles. The company name was changed in 1927 to the Golden Peacock Company and later became the Mitchum Company.


Womens Suffrage

In America, when the right to vote was extended to include all races, all social positions, and all incomes, women were still not included. It didn't matter if a man was illiterate, had been to jail, or if he was the town drunk. He could vote, and a woman, no matter who she was, could not. On August 18, 1920, the United States ratified the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, granting women the right to vote, ending a hard-fought, 70-year battle for women's suffrage.


Medical Whiskey

Similar to today's medical marijuana laws, whiskey was still available during Prohibition with a doctor's prescription. Each person with a prescription was permitted one pint every ten days. To supply that whiskey, six whiskey producers were given licenses by the US Government to bottle and sell medicinal liquor. It was all government-stamped and Bottled-In-Bond at 100 proof. At the point of sale, the prescription was glued to the back of the bottle.  


Unusual Underthings

 Don't let your "happy trail" end prematurely. Mesh underwear reveals the anatomy and still provides maximum coverage where it's needed.


 JouJou Breast Supporter

 "The illustration shows the left breast supported and right unsupported. Only JouJou Breast Supporter gives this correct improvement : must be worn day and night. Guards against Cancer, Tumour, Mastitis, and relieves Pain immediately."


Make your home Gaytop Gay

Make your home Gaytop Gay!
OK, but what if you're a Gay Bottom?


Benefits of Demon Possession

 Here are some other benefits of Demon Possession:
1. Your demon will have you thrashing about so much, you won't have to go to the gym as often.
2. Make your demon do all your chores while you relax.
3. Any time you get caught doing something wrong -- blame the demon.


Alien Eye Creature

 The Alien-Eye Creature was an over-sized balloon with a eye in the middle of it. Its tentacles were actually white party streamers which came with adhesive tape to attach them to the bottom of the inflated balloon. It had a 50 foot string that you could use to “Control” your Alien. You had to fill the Eye with helium to make it float.

Gilbert atomic energy lab

"Produces awe-inspiring sights! Enables you to actually SEE the paths of electrons and alpha particles traveling at speeds of more than 10,000 miles per SECOND! Electrons racing at fantastic velocities produce delicate, intricate paths of electrical condensation – beautiful to watch. Viewing Cloud Chamber action is closest man has come to watching the Atom!"
The Atomic Energy Lab was released by the A.C. Gilbert Company in 1950 so that children could create and watch nuclear and chemical reactions using radioactive material. This set has been called "the world's most dangerous toy" because of the radioactive material included.


vibratory eye treatment

"Vibratory eye treatments are now given by many of the best known occullists. There are many who are now wearing glasses that would find relief in vibration by strengthening the nerves and muscles which control the eye."
Victorian era vibrators came with several attachments, so that they could be used on various parts of the body
, but the claims in this ad are ridiculous.


Fleischmann's yeast cakes

Before Charles and Maximilian Fleischmann began to produce the first commercial yeast in 1868, bakers had to culture and grow their own leaveners. The Fleischmann brothers perfected dry yeast with consistent, predictable qualities and revolutionized large-scale baking.Fleischmann's yeast cakes claimed to clear the skin by purifying the blood. You were supposed to eat 3 yeast cakes per day to get rid of acne. Actually, the acid in your stomach kills the yeast so it cannot cause infection. Then the dead bodies of yeast cells “train” your immune system to respond to bacterial infection with less inflammation, so pimples are not as severe.


Groves Tasteless Chill Tonic

Despite the disconcerting claim that this medicine “makes children and adults as fat as pigs,” Grove’s Tasteless Chill Tonic was actually sold as a preventative measure against malaria and associated symptoms. Those who remember taking the chill tonic did not agree with the “tasteless” billing, although it was better than taking straight quinine. The chill tonic was so popular the British army made it standard issue for every soldier going off to mosquito infested lands and, by 1890, more bottles of Grove’s Tasteless Chill Tonic were sold than bottles of Coca-Cola.


Tawny Cocaine Port

Tawny Cocaine Port
"The cure works like magic, consisting almost entirely of cocaine syrup and weak grapes. If any drunkard drinks copious amounts of this cocaine syrup, they will almost instantly lost their need and want of alcohol and will gain a new want for life and fun."W
hen alcohol and cocaine are combined, they form a chemical which produces a feeling of euphoria more powerful and longer lasting than anything cocaine is capable of producing on its own. Coca Wine was first developed in 1863 by a French-Corsican entrepreneur in Paris, Angelo Mariani. His brand “Vin Mariani”, made from Peruvian Coca leaves and Bordeaux wine became an overnight success.

Vitamin Donuts

In 1941, the Doughnut Corporation of America came up with "Vitamin Donuts" to advertise their fortified flour. The War Food Administration didn't agree, and they suggested the "Fat Pills" be called "Enriched Flour Donuts" instead. That didn't sound particularly appetizing, so the product was dropped.


How is this woman stout? Look at her waist!
Talk about unreasonable expectations.
 Lane Bryant opened for business in 1904 as a small dressmaking boutique run by Lena Bryant in Manhattan. They were one of the first retailers to specialize in plus-size clothing.
The question is, how does an appeal that amounts to an insult work as advertising copy?
Hard to imagine today...but Lane Bryant produced print advertising for its "Stout" clothing lines from 1917--1950s and it worked out very well for them.


Radio Hat

 The Radio Hat was manufactured 5 years before the transistor radio and so it used vacuum tubes, a loop antenna, and much of the clunky technology that made portable radios of the day both heavy and bulky. The inventor packed the latest technology into a metal pith helmet and promoted it as a wearable, portable radio that you could use everywhere.


X-Ray Specs

An Hilarious Optical Illusion!
"Scientific optical principle really works. Imagine you put on the “X-Ray” Specs and hold your hand in front of you. You seem to be able to look right through the flesh and see the bones underneath. Look at your friend. Is that really his body you “see” under his clothes? Loads of laughs and fun at parties."

The "lenses" consist of two layers of cardboard with a small hole punched through both layers. The user views objects through the holes. A feather is embedded between the layers of each lens. The vanes of the feathers are so close together that light is diffracted, causing the user to receive two slightly offset images.


A scrapbook for homely women only 

"We dedicate this collection of toilet secrets, not to the pretty women (they have advantages enough, without being told how to double their beauty), but to the plainer sisterhood, to those who look in the glass and are not satisfied with what they see."



Facial Gym

Save Your Face in Just 12 Minutes a Week!
At last, you'll enjoy looking in the mirror again.
Helps get rid of wrinkles, baggy eyes, double chin, turkey neck...actually strengthens muscles so you enjoy natural beauty from the inside out.


MacGregors Fire Shorts

Sometimes we forget to guard our shorts from spontaneous combustion, misdirected hellfire or the errant match. But these things do happen. The question is: will your shorts survive?


Exploding Hand Grenade

Here's an exploding army hand grenade replica that “really scatters the gang when you throw this baby in their midst?”
Edwin Wegman began Honor House in 1951 and sold cheap goods imported from Asia. The company lasted until the mid-1980s when the rising price of postage killed most novelty mail-order companies.


Beauty Micrometer
The Beauty Micrometer was invented in 1932 by Max Factor and was primarily intended for use in the movie industry. It could precisely measure the contours of a woman’s face to determine how makeup should be applied for filming.
Born in 1872 in what is now Poland, Maksymilian Faktorowicz started work at a young age in the wig and cosmetics industry. He founded Max Factor & Company in 1909.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Funny Vintage Ads

 Times have changed, and nothing makes that clearer than these old-school ads! 
Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at a specific point in history. But when you judge human history based on historical advertisements, the past seems a lot weirder than you thought.


Nothing says you need a smoke like a crying baby wearing a leprechaun foil hat! Marlboro cigarettes were originally marketed as a "woman's cigarette." Ads like this may be why it didn't catch on:
1) The mother is addicted to cigarettes
2) She also yells at her baby sometimes
3) The baby knows both #1 and #2, and has actually learned to outsmart mommy by using her addiction to stop the abuse.
Marlboro Ad 

Dr. Miles Restorative Nervine was marketed as a treatment for “nervous” or stress disorders and anxiety related ailments because of its strong sedative effects. It was also advertised as solving common problems like heart trouble, side effects from smoking, signs of aging and the frustrations of annoying children.
Nervine contained the most commonly used bromides - sodium bromide (NaBr), potassium bromide (KBr), and ammonium bromide (NH4Br). The use of bromides to treat "nerves" was so prevalent that 'bromide' entered the lexicon of common speech. Instead of "calm down", people were instructed to "take a bromide".
The level of bromide needed to sedate was pretty close to bromine's toxicity level and many people were using products like Nervine too often. Bromine toxicity ("bromism") cases eventually became a serious problem and there were even reports of bromide-induced coma, dubbed 'The Bromide Sleep'.
 Dr Miles Nervine

In 1928 George Washington Hill, head of the American Tobacco Company, hired public relations specialist Edward Bernays to help him expand the market for cigarettes. Tobacco use among men had soared after the First World War, but it was still considered taboo for women. Hill wanted to change that. “If I can crack that market,” he told Bernays, “it will be like opening a new gold mine right in our front yard.”
Sales of Lucky Strikes increased by more than 300% during the first year of this advertising campaign, but it was eventually derailed by threats of litigation from the candy industry.
Reach for a Lucky instead of a sweet 

"Yes, now it may be possible to have that hairy chest and he-man appearance that you have always wanted and admired" through psychokinesis!
"I think (I'm hairy), therefore I am (hairy)."
Hairy Chest 

Come on fellas, give your wife a break!
Buy your wife a gas heater 

"Feed" your boobs!
“It is a delightful cream preparation, put up by an eminent French chemist and forms just the right food required for the starved skin and wasted tissues. The ingredients are mainly pure vegetable oils, perfectly harmless, combined in a way to form the finest nourishment for the bust glands. It is delicately performed and is applied as a massage.”
 Bust cream or food

Blacks began appearing in ads during the 1870s when color lithography was first used to print trade cards.Turning blacks white with soap or paint was a common advertising theme circa 1890 -- 1930s.
This is a Victorian trade card for Lautz Bros. & Co's Acme Soap, South Boston, Mass. The Lautz Bros & Co. Soap brands were advertised as a pure soap and made with the choicest material that money could buy. Their advertisements encouraged you to give them a try, and if you did, you would agree with them. This particular card challenges the viewer to, "Beat that, if you can."
Stearine Soap

Anyone that took this certainly got their money’s worth. It would probably stop your cough, or at least make you forget you had one. It’s nice that they assured folks that the alcohol content was less than 1%. Wouldn't want to get tipsy.
One night cough syrup 

Looks painful, but maybe it cuts off circulation like a certain device that is supposed to prolong the fun...
Man Mate brief 

Since at least the Middle Ages, lactating women were told to drink alcoholic beverages, especially beer, to increase their milk supply and strengthen a breast-feeding infant. Beer companies marketed low alcoholic beers or “tonics” during the early 1900s as a means for women to stimulate their appetite, increase their strength, and enhance their milk yield.
Beer is Nourishing 

Dr. George A. Scott, was a prolific advertiser of "electric hair brushes" and other quack products in late nineteenth century America. Scott marketed electric plasters, insoles, rheumatic rings, shoulder braces, throat protectors, nerve and lung invigorators, body belts, wrist bands, sciatic appliances, anklets, leg appliances, and several other products. His hair brushes and other devices all contained magnetized iron.
Magnetic therapeutic products have made a resurgence since the 1990s in shoes, wrist bands and other wearable items. The scientific evidence to support any therapeutic claims for magnets is no more reliable today than it was in 1880.
Dr Scotts Electric Hair Brush

"Dummies don't perspire.."
And they don't reject you either
Mum - Dummies don't perspire 

Birth control was illegal in the U.S. until 1965 (for married couples) and 1972 (for single people). Douching was widely advertised for feminine hygiene, but it was also the most common form of birth control until oral contraceptives were developed.
Lysol was incredibly corrosive and hundreds of women died from using it. It was also completely ineffective as a contraceptive.
Lysol - Shipwrecked 

"Get at the breech of a Big Dick!"
Milton Bradley - Big Dick

This is a 1930s era wax paper potato chip bag from Dunn, North Carolina. Big Tits was the nickname of Titus Tart, one of the owners in the Tart-Chestnut Co. The image is that of Mr. Tart.
Big Tits Potato Chips 

So it must be safe...
Actually it contained pyrethrum, which is a relatively safe insecticide when used as a spot treatment. It's certainly not safe enough to be spraying in the air over your baby's head and food.

Join the Navy they said.
You won't turn gay they said...
Ivory Soap - Navy

During WW2, amphetamine was used extensively by both the Allied and Axis forces for its stimulant and performance-enhancing effects. It was widely distributed across German military ranks and divisions, from elite forces to tank crews, infantrymen and aircraft personnel. Japanese pilots and industrial workers used the drug extensively. A staggering 72 million tablets were supplied to both Great Britain and American Armed Forces.

It wasn't long before it became clear that the negative effects outweighed the positives, but the necessities of war dictated that missions be accomplished despite the human cost. And that attitude continues to prevail. The US military has issued amphetamines to pilots and special forces personnel on an "as-needed" basis in every deployment.'
Take Amphetamines 

"Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair.
But a confident bald man, there's your diamond in the rough."
-- Larry David
New Kind of Hat Grows Hair 

Boner Billy’s Famous Hot Dogs was established in 1849 by Boner "Bronco" Billy in a little trading post in the California Sierra foothills and is believed to be the home of the first Hot Dog in America.
I love a Big Boner 

Not recommended for children under six...
Dr Batty's Asthma Cigarettes 

Gentle, soothing vibrations for satisfying relaxation and tension relief...
Vibrating Bra

This ad addressed the concern that too much television is bad for children at a time when 2 hours of TV was thought to be excessive, and now we see 5-year-olds spending every free moment of their day and night poking at their mobile phones.
Motorola Television 

"I lost not a moment in taking the quantity prescribed. I was necessarily ignorant of the whole art and mystery of opium-taking: and, what I took, I took under every disadvantage. But I took it: -- and in an hour, oh! Heavens! what a revulsion! what an upheaving, from its lowest depths, of the inner spirit! what an apocalypse of the world within me! That my pains had vanished, was now a trifle in my eyes: -- this negative effect was swallowed up in the immensity of those positive effects which had opened before me -- in the abyss of divine enjoyment thus suddenly revealed. Here was a panacea -- a [pharmakon nepenthez] for all human woes: here was the secret of happiness, about which philosophers had disputed for so many ages, at once discovered: happiness might now be bought for a penny, and carried in the waistcoat pocket: portable ecstasies might be had corked up in a pint bottle: and peace of mind could be sent down in gallons by the mail coach."
from: Confessions of an English Opium-Eater
Thomas de Quincey
Papine Opium 

"If a hairpiece is this good..."
They will call you helmet-head.
Lord Jim Hairpiece 

How to respond when bae calls you an "ass-face"
Funny Face 

For over 50 years, "Big Sugar" has followed Big Tobacco's playbook: paying scientists to produce pro-industry science, intense marketing to youth, rolling out “safer” products, denying the addictive nature of their products, heavy lobbying in the face of regulation, and dismissing “junk science” that links their products to disease.
Sugar is Good! 

Master mechanics, like busy people everywhere,
know the refreshing joy of taking time out to
munch delicious OLD DICK...
Old Dick candy bar 

 Does driving a car make you thirsty?
Why, of course it does!
Auto Beer Bar 

Who wants to go first?
Yasmin - Annette Funicello 

Wait, who am I having sex with today?
Is it "Joe" or "Charles"?
Personalized Panties

"Don't be afraid to look sexy!"
And how about a little manscaping while you're at it
Body Power 

This was a common advertising and postcard image c1900-1935. It depicts a black baby (a pickaninny) as food for an alligator. The image also recalls the slave era when small black children and babies were actually used as bait to catch alligators in Southern swamps.
Little African

What's your secret dear?
Vitamins Darling!
I always get my vitamins.
Pep Vitamins


One Whack and it's On the Slack!
Sexual Temperance Spoon


A vintage ad from the San Diego newspaper
Heroin in San Diego


The Separate Sack Suspensory has no irritating leg straps, no oppressive band on the sack, no scratching metal slides. It is made just as nature intended.
Separate Sack Suspensory


Oooh La La!
Celery for your colon

Stay fit and slim with Amphetamine
Stay fit and slim with Amphetamine

Would you perchance be wearing...
Sansabelt Action Slacks