Thursday, May 28, 2020

Funny Vintage Ads (38)

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.
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TV was already doing an excellent job of hypnotizing viewers by the time this ad appeared.
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Ben-Hur Flour
What does Ben-Hur have to do with flour, you ask?
Nothing, really.

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The Thompson Submachine Gun
"1,500 shots per minute" so you can mow those horse thieves down without leaving your front porch.
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Flowbee
The Flowbee is an electrically powered vacuum cleaner attachment made for cutting hair. It was developed and patented in 1986 and is still being sold online.

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Hurley Machine Company -- Thor-32
The Thor washing machine of 1908, was the first electric clothes washer sold commercially in the United States. By 1922, the Thor-32 was “the last word in clothes-washing efficiency.”
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Faultless Balloons
The Faultless Rubber Company promoted its Faultless Sanitary Sealed Package for delivering "Clean Balloons, Untouched From the Factory to your Child."
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Pope-Waverley Electrics
Albert Augustus Pope began production of electric automobiles in 1897 and declared bankruptcy in 1907.
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Elevators shoes
 If all you are adding is a couple of inches, why bother? The model in this ad would be better off trying to save what's left of his hair.
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Electric Banana Stereo Phono
The Electric Banana Stereo Phono was inspired by an Andy Warhol painting of a banana for a 1967 album by Velvet Underground.
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Amphicar
 The Amphicar was an amphibious automobile built in Germany from 1961-65 and was a descendant of the Volkswagen Schwimmwagen military vehicle produced during World War 2.
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 This World War II poster in Little Rock, Arkansas shows there were separate treatment facilities for white and "colored" soldiers.
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Meal in a Mould
 This Meal in a Mould looks more like a Meal of a Mold.
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Robert the Robot
 America's first toy Robot came with a crank on his back that operated a crude record player so he could say, "I'm Robert Robot Mechanical Man."
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Cheasapeake Pudding
At the turn of the 20th Century, there was a battle between baking powders that contained alum like Calumet and Clabber Girl and more expensive brands that contained cream of tartar, like Royal. In advertisements, Royal touted the "purity" of its more expensive product, while claiming that other baking powders were "injurious" to one’s health. Of course if you're baking this awful combination, then maybe you're not that concerned about your health. 
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REO Speed Wagon Truck
 The REO Motor Car Company was founded in 1905 by Ransom E. Olds in Lansing, Michigan. Ransom E. Olds was an entrepreneur who founded multiple companies in the automobile industry, including Oldsmobile in 1897.
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Salem - How come I enjoy smoking and you don't
 Maybe you get a buzz from depriving your brain of oxygen?
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The Keleket "R-Gun"
 If you're pointing a radiation detector at a mushroom cloud, you might be in a bit of trouble.
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Eye-Catching Buttocks Instantly
"Yes! I too would like to look like a 'Hollywood Hunk' instantly! Please rush today, my Super Shaper Buns Briefs."
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beep - Motorola
"His pocket pager is about to tell him something."
Yeah, that he needs bigger pockets.

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Space Squadron -- Calling All Space Rangers
"Made of realistic space color plastic!"
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Rennie's Seeds
 William Rennie (1835-1910) was a Canadian farmer who became a successful seed merchant, educator, and writer. The use of black stereotypes was common in advertising at the time and Rennie was no exception.
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Breck Paper Dresses
In the mid 1960s, Breck shampoo offered two "mod-styled" paper dresses as a way to target the youth market. Paper clothing wasn’t actually made of just paper. It was a blend of approximately 90% cellulose mixed with a synthetic, like nylon, for durability and flame resistance.
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Dick Tracy Wrist Radio
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 The Dick Tracy Wrist Radio ("complete with aerial and ground wire") made its debut in the comic strip in 1947. 68 years later, the Apple Watch made it a reality.
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BSA Motorcycles
His look says, "If she is driving, I'm not getting on that bike!"
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Oxblood tablets for thin people 
 "The greatest flesh producer of the age"
Well, except for donuts...

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Osborne Personal Computer
The Osborne was the first commercially successful portable microcomputer, but going to work with an Osborne Personal Computer was like carrying a 25lb "portable" sewing machine back and forth.
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Old Gold -- Why be irritated
 From 1945 to 1946, Old Gold ran a humorous ad campaign featuring the slogan, "Why be Irritated? Light an Old Gold!"
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Babee-Tenda Safety Chair
The Babee-Tenda Corp began in 1937. They were convicted of Mail Fraud in 2008 for, "falsely and fraudulently mailed sales material indicating the Consumer Product Safety Commission (“CPSC”) ...  sponsored seminars at which Defendant’s products were sold."
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Eastern Air Lines -- Presenting the Losers
 In the early days of flying, women were bought on board as "air nurses" to convince businessmen that the planes were safe. By the 1960s, they were being marketed as sex objects.
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Beehive Breastplates
 Made with super scratchy polyester yarn!

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Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Funny Vintage Ads (37)

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot stranger than you thought.
Briggs & Stratton -- Modern World
 The "Modern World" of 1954 apparently had a lot of women pushing lawn mowers.
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Grace-Mildred Culture Company
 "Miss Cocroft's name is sufficient guarantee of its genuineness."
 But not of its effectiveness. Anyone can look 20 years younger with the proper lighting.
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RCA Victor Console with Magic Eye
 The "Magic Eye" in this RCA Victor Console was a vacuum tube that gave a visual indication of the radio-frequency signal strength to help you determine if you had tuned your radio accurately to a station.
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Genuine OCD Toy Gas Masks
Genuine OCD Toy Gas Masks -- for Genuine OCD Kids!
Is it really a "Toy" or is it "Genuine War Surplus?

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Sylvania Conveftible TV
Sylvania Convertible TV -- It's a console and a back injury!
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Johnny Astro
The Johnny Astro space vehicle -- "The Most Exciting Toy Ever" -- was actually a balloon that used a fan for "lift-off" and controlled flight.
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Edison Magno-Electric Vitalizer
Thomas Edison Jr. had no skills, so he traded on his father's famous last name by making deals with unsavory businessmen. The distributor of this device was eventually convicted of mail fraud. After that incident, Edison Sr. said, "I am thinking of a scheme to prevent persons from using the name I have striven honorably to protect"
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Bing Crosby - Why I believe in Santa Claus
Bing Crosby says, "Give Personna Blades to every shaver on your list."
Because who doesn't want to receive razor blades for Christmas?

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Crave for Candy
 "The 'Crave for Candy' so often is a call for energy." So you should definitely answer it with a bunch of empty calories!
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Apple Music Card
 "Girls will climb over each other to kiss your feet."  Followed (without a sense of irony) by: "Some companies will say anything to sell you a music card."
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The Plucky Little Jap
 "in the making of history, Wheat has always triumphed over Meat."
Apparently, the Japanese weren't so "plucky" until after they started eating wheat.

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Looks cozy, but where is the toilet? It wasn't until the late 1960s that people began to realize that backyard and basement shelters against nuclear bombs were nothing but burial tombs being prepared in advance.
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Black Dragon Fighting Society - Dim Mak
The Black Dragon Fighting Society was created by hairdresser, criminal, pornographer, and egomaniac John “Count Dante” Keehan to separate paper route money from comic book reading young boys.
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The New Dodge Street Van
 "Roger put me into a Street Van. And I'm not coming out."
Why not? Are you being held hostage?

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Genuine Stuffed Alligator
"All the fun you can have with him"... but what fun can you have with a dead alligator? Actually, I don't want to know.
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Devil Dog Car Alarm
 Buyers were a little less astonished when they realized the alarm didn't talk, but just beeped the horn.
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The Boeing 377 Stratocruiser was a large long-range airliner developed from the B-29 Superfortress of World War II. Its circular staircase led to a lower deck beverage lounge where passengers could mingle. With upper-and-lower bunk beds that could sleep 28 fliers, this was the ultimate long-distance luxury aircraft for its time (1947-1963).
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Northeast Airlines -- New York Boston
Northeast pioneered service from its Boston base throughout the New England states and into Canada in the 1930s. By the time Northeast merged with Delta in 1972, its famous "Yellowbirds" were jetting to Florida, the Bahamas and Bermuda.
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Speedy Weeny
The Speedy Weeny debuted in 1947. It cooked hotdogs in seconds, using microwave technology developed for radar in World War II.
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Fiberglass Insulation - Something to remember
"Something to remember when you buy that new range!"
You still don't know how to cook!
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Easy on the Sugar -- you're reducing!
 "Easy on the Sugar -- you're reducing!"
Why don't you shut the hell up instead.

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Lucky Strike - Massacre at Fort Dearborn
 This ad references The Fort Dearborn Massacre near Chicago as, "the heartless treachery of a band of vicious Miami Indians." The native Americans were simply "fighting back" against the encroachment of white settlers and won one battle.
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FUN! Make this Squirrel Lamp
 Even the squirrel thinks its fun! But this guy's wife immediately threw it in the trash.
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The Love Rug
Who was sitting around one day and thought what people were missing in their sex lives was a rug that would “stroke as you stroke?”
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Conoco Nth Motor Oil
 In 1911, the United States Supreme court ordered Standard Oil to divest some of its holdings. Two years later Continental Oil Company became one of 34 independent oil companies formed as a result of the court’s antitrust ruling.
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Bestform - No finer fit at any price
This Bestform lingerie ad is from 1944, with a pert bosomed illustration by American pin-up artist George Petty.
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Men Don't Like Sissy Soaps
"Men Don't Like Sissy Soaps" They prefer an alluring, masculine scent - equal parts woods and musk - rounded out with hints of tobacco, beer, and farts.
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Kraft - Philadelphia Cream Cheese
"It's a salad! It's a dessert"
It's a dessert topping...and a floor wax!
(Saturday Night Live, 1976  -- 'New Shimmer', the floor wax that's also a dessert topping)

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Crewless War Tank
Using phonograph disks, "the dream of airplanes and tanks that operate by remote control is brought nearer to realization." Till you hit a bump and the record skips.
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Kellogg's All-Bran Regulars
 "If you have ever been through a siege of what is politely called 'intestinal sluggishness,' you'll know I'm not exaggerating."