Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Funny Vintage Ads (10)

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot weirder than you thought.


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Van Heusen Man's World Ties
 "For men only! . . . brand new man-talking, power-packed patterns that tell her it's a man's world . . . and make her so happy it is."
Because every man wants a magical tie that will transform women into slaves!

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Atomic Age Air Rifle

"Wow! What a gun. Actually fires up to 40 feet. Safe to use indoors or out. Get yours today!"
Note that it says "Atomic Age" rifle, not "Atomic Rifle" and it was just a small plastic pop-gun with a doomsday name.

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Fleischmann's Yeast -- Bread and Ambition

Fleischmann's Yeast, Bread and Ambition (1920) by Norman Rockwell
The Fleischmann brothers built a yeast plant in Cincinnati, Ohio in 1868 to manufacture a compressed yeast cake that revolutionized home and commercial baking in the United States.


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Pears' Soap - The White Man's Burden
The White Man's Burden is a reference to an 1899 poem by Rudyard Kipling inviting the United States to assume colonial control of Philippines -- to take up the "burden of Empire" supposedly for the sake of the "uncivilized" natives.  It was a common belief at the time that white men had a moral obligation to rule the non-white peoples of the Earth. 

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Tipalet - Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere

The secret to impressing your lady is to get a big mouthful of smoke and exhale it right as she leans in for a kiss. What woman could possibly resist?
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If Life's Grim Without a Him
"If Life's Grim Without a Him ... Remember --"
That's better than being sexually assaulted by some nerd wearing a bow tie.

 
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To wake up gay in the morning

This guy seems a little too happy about it.

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Successful marriages start in the kitchen!

"Now the new mistress of the house can go right ahead with some of those girlhood dreams -- planning lovely meals for her man..."
This happy bride was so anxious to get started living her dream, she went straight from the marriage ceremony to the kitchen!

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Monkey Brand - Won't Wash Clothes

In the 1880s, Benjamin Brooke’s Monkey Brand Soap was a versatile product with the capacity to clean almost any object or surface but “It Won’t Wash Clothes.” In an unusual marketing strategy, priority was given to promoting what the product couldn’t do ahead of what it could do. Social and cultural historians believe that the monkey was used as a symbolic commentary on Victorian attitudes towards race, gender and class.

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Should I leave you on the doorstep mom?

"BABY: Shame, Mom -- saying you'd leave a nice baby like me on the doorstep. I should leave you!"
"MOM: But lamb -- you were driving me wild with your fussing . . ."
 

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Non-explosive Lamp Company

The Cleveland Non-Explosive Lamp Company was incorporated in 1868. This early advertising pamphlet claims, "No more shocking deaths and terrible fires from coal oil lamps exploding or breaking."Apparently the invention of non-exploding lamps was a major innovation in lamp technology.

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Formula X
"Is your bust large? Reduce that bulging matronly chest-line to the slender, girlish lines of youth. Just apply FORMULA - X treatment at home and watch your breasts grow slim and young-looking."

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Kelloggs Krumbles -- Gay Parties Guaranteed

 Krumbles cereal began as an attempt by Kellogg's to make shredded wheat biscuits. Unfortunately the biscuits crumbled in the package and instead of trying to make biscuits that wouldn't crumble, Kellogg's decided to crumble the broken biscuits even more and sell them as Krumbles cereal. How that relates to "Gay Parties" is anyone's guess.

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Schlitz -- the beer with sunshine vitamin D

 "Schlitz, with Sunshine Vitamin D, gives you the sunny source of health you need the whole year round. Beer is good for you—but Schlitz, with Sunshine Vitamin D, is extra good for you."
Whether vitamin D beer did any actual good for consumers' health is unknown, but it wasn't very profitable for Schlitz. Their Vitamin D beer stayed on the market for only two years, from 1936 to 1938.


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Practo Hair Grower - Remarkable Machine Grows Hair or Your Money Back

 "Just attach this simple, trouble-free device to a water faucet. No water touches your hair or scalp. Only the pressure of the water is used to produce Intermittent Vacuum, forcing rich, life-giving blood in and out of the deep-lying blood vessels that nourish the hair roots."

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Pandiculator

 From 1914, until banned from the mails in 1942, this back-stretcher promised health and height but operated more like a medieval rack.

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Jolt Cigarettes -- Do you tell yourself you smoke too much?

 "If you smoke a lot . . . enjoy cigarettes tremendously . . . you J - O - L - T your nerves when you cut down! But this self-denial is unnecessary now. You can smoke all you like if you smoke the new miracle-mint Julep Cigarettes. Symptoms of over-smoking disappear! No "dark-brown" taste . . . no more "burned-out" throat . . . no "tobacco-tainted" breath. It's a triple smoking miracle!

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Chubbettes -- How happy can a chubby girl be?

"How happy can a girl be? As happy as a hit with a rollicking beat, or a serenade in a dreamy mood... as happy as one whose extra young pounds have been delightfully transformed by the designing magic of Chubbettes."
Was there ever an overweight kid who greeted the news that Mom was buying her some "Chubettes" with delight?

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Wizard Suspenders
"The Magic Cord Does the Trick"
so you can give yourself a wedgie.


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 Pemberton's Tonic - French Wine Coca

Coca Wine was first developed in 1863 by Angelo Mariani. His brand “Vin Mariani”, made from Peruvian Coca leaves and Bordeaux wine became an overnight success.
In 1880s Georgia, a pharmacist named John Pemberton developed a beverage based on Mariani’s version, called Pemberton’s French Wine Coca. When Georgia passed the Prohibition legislation in 1886, Pemberton scrambled to come up with a non-alcoholic version; replacing the wine with a syrup and naming it Coca Cola.


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Canada Dry Ginger Ale - It's Gingervating!

In 1890, Canadian pharmacist and chemist John J. McLaughlin of Enniskillen, Ontario opened a carbonated water plant in Toronto. In 1904, he created Canada Dry Pale Ginger Ale. When McLaughlin began shipping his product to New York in 1919, it became so popular that he opened a plant in Manhattan and Canada Dry Ginger Ale, Inc. was born. Canada Dry's popularity as a mixer began during Prohibition, when its flavor helped mask the taste of homemade liquor.

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Columbia Graphophone

The Graphophone was patented in 1885 by Alexander Graham Bell as a business dictation machine. It included a primitive microphone and used wax cylinders to record and play back sound.

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Ethel's Edible Under Garments

Despite the vintage look of this ad, edible undies were born late one night in early 1970s Chicago, when young entrepreneurs David Sanderson and Lee Brady were smoking pot. Sanderson recalled. "I remembered my older brother used to say, ‘eat my shorts." Like ‘buzz off.' We said, let's make shorts you can eat! And everyone thought we were totally bonkers."

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How and What to Tell a Communist

"When a Communist goes to work on you tell him that you are on to him and his dirty game. Tell him, further, that you think it your patriotic duty to make his activities known to others and to the police."
As the Cold War between the Soviet Union and the United States intensified in the late 1940s and early 1950s, hysteria over the perceived threat posed by Communists in the U.S. caused Americans to turn on each other.


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 Victory! Congress Passes Daylight Saving Bill - Get Your Hoe Ready

 During World War I (1914-1918), in an effort to conserve fuel, Germany began observing Daylight Savings Time in 1916. The rest of Europe soon followed. The plan was not adopted in the United States until the Standard Time Act of March 19, 1918. The idea was unpopular and Congress abolished Daylight Savings Time after the war, but it has been brought back many times since. The Energy Policy Act of 2005 set the duration of DST at 5 months.

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Celebrated Home Washer

The Home Manufacturing Company began in New York City in the 1830s making pins. The company produced the Home Washer with a "German Wringer" from 1869 to 1924. Although it wasn't automatic (someone had to turn the crank) it was a dramatic improvement over the washboard.

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Color-Tone Originals - Negro Christmas Cards

The modern Christmas card industry began in 1915, when a Kansas City-based postcard printing company started by Joyce, Rollie and William Hall, published its first holiday card. A decade later Hall Brothers company changed its name to Hallmark.
By the 1950's greeting card companies were running ads in magazines seeking people to sell their greeting cards for "fun and profit."


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Are You Cocky?

Large penis giving you overconfidence?
Wait, how is this a problem?


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Men Are Funny That Way

"No wonder he won't give me a tumble.
That shameless hussy has been brushing her teeth!"


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Romulan Ale

Romulan ale was a strong, blue-colored alcoholic beverage created by Romulans in the Star Trek television show. In the 23rd century it was illegal to possess in the Federation, but some low-level smuggling took place nonetheless.
Kirk:
Romulan Ale. Why, Bones, you know this is illegal.
McCoy:
I only use it for medicinal purposes.
 

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