Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Yet More Vintage Ads

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot weirder than you thought.


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We pay cash for dead flies

 For years, Coles Pharmacy bought dead flies at five cents per pint -- until they filled the basement storeroom with insect corpses. Coles Pharmacy is still in business in Mansfield, PA.

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Allen Nasalator

This looks more like a torture device. And how does plugging up your nose prevent or relieve anything?

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Amazing Cards Make it Easy to Meet Women
 "Here's a sensational new way to meet women! Not useless theory . . . but actual tools you use to "break the ice" and start a flow of friendly conversation...Use these cards anywhere; at dances, parties, offices, while walking or traveling. These cards are in good taste and easy to use."
 
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Magnesium makes the day's work lighter

"Founded by Paul Revere in 1801..."
Paul Revere was a
n active patriot during the Revolutionary War who was immortalized by Longfellow’s poem, “Paul Revere’s Ride. He was also a very successful silversmith who began casting iron, bronze bells, copper bolts and spikes. In 1800, he became the first American to successfully roll copper into sheets for use in sheathing battleships and other naval vessels. 


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The game for the avid golfer

The Putt On The Pot golf game allows the avid golfer
to practice his putting while in the restroom.
And you thought your game was in the toilet....
Be the King of The Links on your own throne.


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Marlboro Earth

The new environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the overpopulated planet by the human race.

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Now she can cope - Butisol

 "Kids are different today, "
I hear ev'ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she's not really ill
There's a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day


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 Chlorox Tooth Paste

"Chlorox is the only tooth paste which permits you to 'oil your teeth.'"
But, why would anyone want to oil their teeth?


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Authentic Beatle Wigs
Dig this new cool party fad. It's a Gas! Brush it, comb it! Sideboards, fringe, long neck -- the lot! Swing Man Swing . . . Don the wig quick as a flash in brown or black acrilan. Elasticized Front: Fits Everyone: Order Now!



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Marine Midland Credit Card

"Nobody but Mr. Harold Karp can use Mr. Harold Karp's Marine Midland Master Charge card. Not a burglar. Not even his wife..."
This ad is really insulting, by showing the wife with a sheepish look on her face, as if she can't handle the responsibility of a credit card.


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Bicycle Windshield

"Kids, now you can transform your bike into something really special with this transparent Bike Windshield. Just like the ones on motorcycles, this vinyl Windshield will protect your from rocks, debris, wind, etc. when you're pedaling at great speed. And, it really look sharp too. Adds that extra something only motorcycles now have."
That extra something will have your friends and complete strangers laughing at you.

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Venus -- the perfect hair dryer


"Can be quickly snapped on the handle of ANY VACUUM CLEANER. Our hair dryer and your vacuum cleaner will make your hair look just as good as our model's hair!"

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Wonder Sauna Hot Pants

The Wonder Sauna Hot Pants worked like this: You inflated the rubber shorts and wore them around the house for a while. Your body would sweat more than usual, causing you to lose a few ounces of water weight.
The appeal was obvious: instead of going to all the trouble involved in eating right and exercising, the buyer can wear sauna pants while cleaning the house or lying around watching TV and get the same effects.


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The Barker Vibrator

It was not uncommon for Victorian doctors to encounter female patients with what was diagnosed as "hysteria."  The usual treatment was a "pelvic massage" to induce "hysterical paroxysm" -- basically, an orgasm, which would supposedly restore the woman to full health.
Dr. J. Mortimer Granville pioneered the electromechanical vibrator in the 1880s. The first devices were so large that they were only suitable for use in doctors' offices. Later, smaller devices were developed and marketed for personal use. 


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GEM - How to be appreciated!

 "Face-neat men are always preferred...Gem Blade's super-keen non-crumpling edge gives you shaves which last right around the clock"
You'd think a "non-crumpling edge" would be the minimum requirement for a razor blade. 


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A Blemish-Germ Almost Wrecks A Romance

 Jane turns the knob on her own door, a germ hitches a ride to her face, and she has a pimple the next day. That's not the way pimples happen because germs don't burrow under the skin, but it's a great way to sell soap.

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The Look You Want When You Want It!

"You will be Amazed"
If growing a facial hair isn’t your thing, don’t worry. It’s clear from this old ad that you aren’t alone. However, for only $2 Honor House was 100% willing to send you a stick on rug so you could live out your fantasies!


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Borg Bath Scale

"This year, there is no gift like Borg's magnificent bath scale . . . the "Flight." This jewel-like beauty sparkles like a precious gem in any bath and puts an end to all weight-guessing."
A bathroom scale for Christmas is a great way to tell a loved one that they really need to go on a diet.


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Hypno-Coin

"Hold the Hypno-coin in front of the person you want to hypnotize. Then, gently vibrate the plastic lens. This sets the hypnotic pattern into a whirling motion. A motion that is so fascinating, it captures and rivets your subjects eyes to the "Hypno-Coin." Now, proceed to give your hypnotic suggestions and commands."

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School Days are Happy Days with a Telephone in the Home

 Encouraging telephone use by children seemed like a good idea at the beginning of the 20th Century. Little did they know that one day children as young as six would be so attached to their mobile phones that they would spend every spare moment obsessively checking their messages.

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Genuine Original Sack Dress

"Genuine! Original! SACK DRESS  Why spend big money on high fashion when you can give her the authentic Sack for just a dollar? Made of honest-to-goodness potato sacks. The loveliest female will look like a sack of potatoes. Handsome two-color print. Man's revenge! A sack-ful of fun."

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Go on - Have a Fag

Fag is British slang for a cigarette and was originally a term for a bundle of sticks. And later, the frayed end of a piece of cloth or rope. Hand rolled cigarettes often have loose strands of tobacco sticking out of the end. These were thought to resemble the cut, and frayed end of a piece of rope, called the fag-end. The term "fag end" now means the dregs of a cigarette -- just the filter and a small remaining section of tobacco.

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Las-I-Co for Superb Manhood


 Perry Hannah and Tracy Lay were lumber barons in Northern Michigan who began a mercantile company in Traverse City, in 1883. The original three-story "Big Store" sold hardware, boots and shoes, dry goods, clothing, groceries, provisions and furniture.
In 1917, one of their Las-I-Co distributors was fined $200 and costs by the US Attorney in Illinois, for shipping "mislabeled" products across state lines because all of the claims made about the product were determined to be false. The Hannah & Lay company went out of business in 1931.  


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I'll Learn Yez - Kelloggs Toasted Corn Flakes
John Harvey Kellogg is best known for the invention of the famous breakfast cereal, Corn Flakes, in 1878. Originally, he called his cereal Granula, which he later changed to Granola in 1881. Toasted Corn Flakes were invented as part of his health regimen to prevent masturbation.

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Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Etc. MASKS

 "Your chance to have some real fun! Get one of the Hitler or Mussolini masks and then go visiting! Fine for school plays. Slip on one of these Hitler masks and then try looking into your friends' windows -- they'll never get over seeing Hitler, in person."
Masks of dictators (as well as various other celebrities) could be purchased from the Johnson Smith Catalog in the 1930s and 1940s.

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Hinds gave back her Honeymoon Hands

In 1870, Aurelius Stone Hinds bought a drug store in Maine. In the nineteenth century it was common practice for pharmacists to make up preparations for local sale and in 1873 he developed Hinds’ Honey and Almond Cream, a  beeswax-borax emulsion that was thinned down so that it could be poured from a bottle.
Although Hinds Honey and Almond Fragrance Cream is no longer in production, other cosmetics sold under the Hinds brand are still being made. The current products, which include infant skin-care and general body lotions are produced primarily for the Mexican and South American markets. 

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Nigger Hair Tobacco

The use of the "N" word in advertising was very popular until the purchasing power of black consumers gradually made them very attractive to advertisers. Nigger Hair Tobacco was sold by the American Tobacco Co. of Wisconsin beginning in the 1870s and changed its name to Bigger Hair Tobacco in the late 1920s. 

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Frontier Cabin

Why pay for an expensive apartment when you can move out of your parents' house and into your own frontier cabin?
The actual item buyers received for their $1 was a thin, plastic shell that arrived folded in an envelope. You had to build your own wooden frame. 

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Remote Control Channel Changer

Back in the early days of television (1950s) viewers quickly realized that no one wanted to get up from their easy chair to change channels on the TV set.  Until the first wired "remote control" hit the market the adults would usually have their kids change channels for them.
 This early "channel changer" would turn the TV on or off and mechanically rotate the channel selector, but volume controls and mute buttons would have to wait until the development of wireless remotes.

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Life Size Inflatable Doll

For those who have everything...except a life.
 "Snuggle up to your own Love Maid. "Her name is Judy and she was made to please you, to serve you, to be at your beck and call. That's how she earned the title Love Maid."

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More funny vintage ads here: http://ken-padgett.blogspot.com/2017/08/funny-vintage-ads.html

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Even More Funny Vintage Ads

Advertising has always been an interesting way to look at history. But when you see these vintage advertisements, the past seems a lot weirder than you thought.


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Vinyl shower hood

"Protects hairdo and face from shower spray," because you wouldn't want to ruin that make-up.


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She's about to lose her back seat driver

 "Don't be a loser. Use Head & Shoulders...the winner." Coming from a guy dressed in that jacket, you have no room to talk, buddy. She’s an attractive gal, so try staring at her butt instead of the back of her head, and be thankful for what you’ve got.

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AB hancer

The Ab Hancer is a quick and easy way to give yourself a nice set of abs in minutes, without the work out.
It is light weight, easy to hide under your clothing, and dramatically enhances your abs.
"Chicks dig it!"


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War Surplus Gas Masks

"Real Gas Masks that originally cost $2.50. This great toy value makes you look like a man from Mars, Fine for spraying paint, insecticides, etc. Has big plastic, shatterproof goggles, intake and exhaust valves, filtering cannister, etc. Be the first among your play mates to own one."

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Dila-Therm

Prostatitis is the inflammation of the prostate gland and it can really hurt, but the Dila-Therm cure may be worse than the disease. The DILA-THERM Company Inc. was formed in 1941 and sued by the FTC in 1949 for false advertising.

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Clark's Thinning Bath Salts
 Superfluous Tissue Melts Away!
"This method of combating all tendency to fat formation is the one practised by beautiful French women, who add to their customary bath some Sel Amaigrissant Clarks. The action of these Salts is to melt the superfluous fat, and to draw it naturally away through the pores. No massage or drugs required -- just an ordinary hot bath and Clark's Thinning Bath Salts."

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Massosein

 "To Strengthen the Breasts.
Only one treatment yields lasting results. Massosein Super and Star exercises a toning action on the muscular fibrils and the mammary glands -- it quickly opens the collapsed breasts and develops the insufficient breasts."


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Woman invents dimple machine

 Isabella Gilbert must have spent a significant portion of her life unhappy over her lack of dimples, because in 1936 she invented this spring-loaded contraption that promised to "make a fine set of dimples" by pressing a pair of knobs into the cheeks. The American Medical Association argued that the “Dimple Maker” would not make dimples or even enlarge original dimples. They also stated that prolonged use of the device might cause cancer.


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good sense corset waists

Ferris Brothers introduced a brand of children’s and women’s corsets called Ferris Good Sense Waists. These corsets were considered healthier and more progressive than the traditional corsets for girls and young women because they did not cinch in the waistline too tightly and, for the most part, they abandoned the custom of using whale bone or steel stays that actually did harm to developing bodies. The development of rubberized elastic materials in 1911 helped the girdle replace the corset.

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Milton Hershey was the first to make milk chocolate commercially, with mass production techniques, and using fresh milk. Hershey's classic maroon color paper wrapper was introduced about 1902 and described the contents as "A Nutritious Convection" and “More Sustaining Than Meat.” Print advertisements called the chocolate “A Meal in Itself”

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I could feel his eyes accusing me

This vintage gem for the drain cleaner Drano used that awkward ‘I just clogged the toilet’ feeling to successfully sell their product. In this ad, a wife can feel her husband’s eyes accusing her of jamming the drains. ‘He’d look at me as if to say, “Your fault!” And it was.’


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dr scott's electric girdle for men

Dr. George Augustus Scott, was a prolific advertiser of "electric" quack products in late nineteenth century America. Scott marketed electric plasters, insoles, rheumatic rings, shoulder braces, throat protectors, nerve and lung invigorators, body belts, wrist bands, sciatic appliances, anklets, leg appliances, and many other products. These devices were made by the Pall Mall Electric Association and extremely popular with consumers for several years until they were superseded by other quack products from competing companies.

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 Fairy Soap

Turning blacks white with soap or paint was a common advertising theme circa 1890 -- 1930s.
Nathaniel Kellogg Fairbanks was born in Sodus, New York County in 1829 and moved to Chicago after the Civil War where he created a business importing cottonseed oil and processing the manufacturing of soaps. His most popular product was Fairy Soap which was named from the first four letters of Fairbanks last name.

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I Take One Everywhere I Take My Penis

"It’s better than what your parents used and it works during the day as well as the night! Of course “it” is still a blast."
This poster was created in 1993 for a Seattle area campaign against AIDS.


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heavy where she has to take the strain

It's hard to tell what this advertisement was for, (some sort of construction equipment?) but the back view of a naked and voluptuous female was supposed to attract the male audience.

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Dr Blosser's Medical Cigarettes

Dr Blosser's Medical Cigarettes didn't contain tobacco, but crushed and dried herbs. Government chemists found the cigarettes were composed of chamomile, anise, cubeb, and pepper. Such plants contained an alkaloid called Atropine that causes mild bronchodilation, and made breathing easier. Indian Hemp and Cannabis are were also included in some brands.

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Mattel's new M-16 Marauder

Mattel's M-16 Marauder was a full sized replica of the real thing. When you cocked the rifle and pulled the trigger the Marauder let loose the sound of machine gun fire. The more you cocked the gun, the longer the burst.
There is nothing about this "gun" that identifies it as a toy. In 1992, the US Department of Commerce prohibited the manufacture, sale, or shipping of toy firearms unless they have an orange tip or are entirely brightly colored.

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Glamour Bonnet

 "Not a deep-sea diver, but a beauty-parlor patron in the vacuum helmet," reads the ad for the Glamour Bonnet. This bonnet lowers atmospheric pressure around the face; promising a rosy, youthful complexion while your brain is damaged from a lack of oxygen.

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Danderine

 "Intended to Assist in Cleansing Dandruff from the Scalp, thus Aid in Stopping Falling Hair and Assisting the Growth of Hair."
Danderine Scalp Tonic was first marketed around 1895 by the Knowlton Danderine Company of Chicago, Ill. Danderine was mostly alcohol, with glycerin, boric acid and resorcin (the anti-dandruff part of the formula), salicylic acid (aspirin), capsicum (pepper), and apparently cantharidin, a potentially lethal chemical that's infamously known as "Spanish Fly."

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Contains:
No Artificial flavors
No Artificial Colors
No Preservatives
No Nothing

And it's gluten free! From 1947, Bernard actually sold many dehydrated foods, canned foods, dietetic products, and other products meant for institutional or restaurant food use. They were also one of the first companies to use an artificial sweetener in a baking mix.


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Bradley Group Showers

"Why did we put our heads together
To Save Money!"

For pure and unadulterated homoerotic voyeurism, what could be a better hotbed of hormones than a bunch of virile young men in the buff vigorously showering together. Not sure how putting their heads together saved them money, but they look happy so let's not judge.

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Hear Muffs

 “Hear Muffs don’t look like headphones, they look more like a giant fuzzy doughnut with a bite missing. And they don’t feel like headphones; your head doesn’t get clamped – it gets cradled. You rest on a soft cushion, not a lump of steel and plastic.” 
Hear Muffs were invented by Stephen Hanson of Downers Grove, Illinois. They were headphones encased in a wraparound foam pillow, that came with a washable velour cover. Just what a swinging single needs in the sack.

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 Is Peter Pain beating your head with a sap? Rub Ben-Gay on it. But wait, why would you put Ben-Gay on your head?
Bengay was developed in France by Dr. Jules BenguΓ©, and brought to America in 1898. It contains Methyl salicylate, which can be toxic when large doses are administered, and it can also be used to remove chewing gum from clothing.

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Play Guitar Like the Cowboys Do

 "Just out -- very latest guaranteed, simple, easy method. Play cowboy songs the Western way in a few minutes by ear. Surprise and amaze your friends. Be in big demand at parties, camps, public entertainments, on the radio, etc. 12 Complete Lessons."
"Send No Money...Nothing else to buy."
But, what about the guitar?


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Free Bomber Trip to Berlin

 Rationing was part of life on the US Home Front during World War II. Along with gasoline, sugar, coffee, processed foods, meat, and cheese—fats and oils were rationed. The American Fat Salvage Committee was created to urge housewives to save all the excess fat rendered from cooking and donate it to the army to produce explosives. Since meats, oils, and butter were all rationed, women had to re-use fat for frying as often as possible before collecting it in a can and turning it in.

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 Come out of the bone age
  Back in the dark ages of women's lingerie, many under-garments were fitted with stiffeners to make certain areas either perky or flatter. They were originally made from strips of bone, and would poke the wearer in indelicate and uncomfortable places. Eventually the bones were made of spring steel, which poked even harder.
This ad is touting the company's pioneering use of something called "springlets" which evidently were less likely to inflict fashion torture.
But why is the caveman wearing Roman sandals? And why is the woman talking on the phone?


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Jello and turkey

Don't know what to do with turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce leftovers? Just cram everything into a jello mold and call it cran-turkey Jello!

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Toilet Paper Box

 This is an early paper dispenser for public toilets. It claims "Enormous economy, effecting a saving in paper of 50 per cent" because "Only one sheet at a time can be withdrawn from the Box, the Paper being folded by a patented process." And for your additional comfort, "The Paper is absolutely antiseptic, being sanitised  with Jeyes' Fluid, which is a specific for Piles."

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freckle remover

Most of the popular freckle removers contained mercury compounds. Some of these products were produced in double and triple strength formulations, with levels of mercury compounds that reached 10-15% or more. In the 1940s, after the introduction of the 1938 Food, Drugs and Cosmetics Act, the FDA moved to reduce the levels of mercury compounds to 5% or less.

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Think of her as your mother 

 Think of her as your mother. Like when she tells you sit up straight and put away your computer, or when she says you can't have another drink or any more snacks.
"This is not just maternal instinct. It’s the result of the longest Stewardess training in the industry. Training in service, not just a beauty course."

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Disco Brief
"Disco the night away in this sheer nylon, light-as-a-feather, peek-a-boo brief. A super-styled muscle hugger gives you super support for that super sexy disco feeling."
Many gay clubs used to have underwear nights where you could just wear underwear in the club. Most of the underwear worn on those nights was designed to show off the naughty bits.

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